A time to forgive and forget

These last few weeks reprieve from chemo has been a real blessing. Cathy asked me if I ever forgot that I had cancer. I told her I never forget I just don't think about it sometimes. I have really gotten to not think about it more lately. A well earned respite. Two more days and then I am back to the drawing board. Monday I am privileged to get radiated and pumped up. I will get my first radiation treatment that will go every Mon-Fri for 5-6 weeks and will have a bag and a pump attached to me that will flow with 5-FU (How appropriate those initials are). I guess the chemo keeps the radiation going. I will be illuminating for weeks. If any of you would like to reserve your own personal nite lite just give me a call. It is amazing what technology has made possible over the years. Now they can actually control where the radiation starts and stops. It used to be that if the pancreas was radiated the rays would go right on through to the liver. Now they can control this so the aftermath is not so devastating. Before it was often like a nuclear bomb went off inside of people.

Monday night is also Erev Rosh Hashonah. That is the first night of the Jewish New Year. So Happy New Year everyone. It is significant to me that my radiation starts on the New Year. I am getting blasted clean for a good and sweet year. That comes from my mouth to God's ears. The best part is what happens 8 days later. Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, when I get to ask all for forgiveness for my wrong doings and at the same time grant forgiveness to those who have wronged me in some way. This includes the big guy himself but more importantly it is directed to us mere mortals. I look at the concept of forgiveness a lot differently lately. It really is a powerful tool. I found when I review what has made me angry at times or more importantly who has made me angry and I truly choose to forgive, the anger begins to subside and now the opportunity for that person to reenter my life is again available. It becomes somewhat painfully apparent that it really is easier to forgive than forget. These "high holy day musings" have been brought to you by "Dr. Wiggers' Goodtime Radiation". Guaranteed to light you up inside and out. I am a true believer cuz I will be visiting the good doc on Monday.

A great place to be fatigued

I am currently in the mountains taking advantage of my two weeks off from any kind of treatment. The weather is great. Clear skies and temps between 60 & 70 degrees day and night. I have a few days of taking care of myself as Cat is hanging in Atlanta thru the weekend. Her art has experienced increased popularity lately so she is "in studio" catching up to commitments. Also, her niece has a baby shower this weekend. I will see her on Monday. If I am forced to be alone I cannot think of a better place. I can see just a hint of the beginnings of fall in the trees. There is a feel of fall crispness in the morning air and we have had enough rain lately that creek has a good flow to it. With the windows open I hear the wind and the water all day and night. This is the beginning of my favorite time of year. I even like the word Autumn better than it's three companions. I hope we have an extended fall this year.

It's amazing to me that I am still feeling the effects of chemo after close to two weeks with no treatment. I look forward to a time when fatigue is not my most frequented feeling. What does feel good is a temporary escape from regular reminders of "what condition my condition is in". Speaking of reminders, I want to thank many of you for your help and participation in the PanCan Cancer Walk on November 15. Our team (The P Train) now has 10 members and we have raised a little over $1400. If anyone else would like to participant in this cause here is the link to the site, http://www.pancan.org/purplestrideatlanta/ . We have walkers of all ages. It should be fun. Obviously the donations are the main attraction for continued research. Any size helps so try not to be bashful.

I have made a "to do" list for my couple of weeks in the mountains. Posting and writing is on the top and loading our pictures and videos (from our Flip) onto the computer and subsequently into documents is next. I need to keep up with Cat. She is definitely ahead of me with the digital picture stuff. I am off to a self teaching lesson. Accomplishment or Frustration? Probably both.

Good but busy

This has been a good but busy and doctor filled week. I was scanned on Tuesday, met with the surgeon on Wednesday (he gave me the good news), met with the oncologist on Thursday, and met with the radiation oncologist today. I have follow ups on Monday and get my teeth cleaned on Tuesday. The radiation oncology visit today was interesting. I now look somewhat like a treasure map. I have big X's on my body made by the radiation oncology folks and the x definitely marks the spot. They will eventually exchange the sharpie X's with actual tiny tatoos (permanent) that show them where to point the radiation. I start radiation on Sept 29th and it continues everyday Monday thru Friday for at least 5 and probably 6 weeks. It will take about 10-15 minutes each day. When the radiation starts I will also have a small pump issued to me that will strap to my body somehow and have a line into my port. Also for the next 5 - 6 weeks I will be dripped on thru the pump with another chemical (5 FU). Guess what one of the side effects of each treatment is. You got it ....Fatigue!

I am really looking forward to the next 2 1/2 weeks of no chemo no nothing. It will be nice to have a break. Hopefully we will get to the mountains for most of the time. Look forward to celebrating Cat's big Birthday.

Back from the wizard

We just got back from seeing the wizard and he said........ I have a heart, I have a brain, I have courage and I HAVE A CLEAN SCAN. I now can look forward to the joy of being radiated in a few weeks. Dr. Daneker was great as usual. He said my scan looks good as does all the healing from the whipple. I asked what to expect next and he said I should talk to Dr. Dubovsky, the oncologist, but to expect the radiation/chemo next and then scans every 3-6 months. The next big juncture is 12-18 months out to see if there will be any metastatic recurrence (didn't know I could use them big words). That would come from any microscopic cells that were too small for the scan to pick up. But in the words of Roger Daltrey from the rock opera "Tommy">>>>> "I'm Free, yea I'm Free and freedom tastes of reality".

Thanks again for all the well wishes and warm thoughts and positive energy flows. It all worked. Next stop is Cat's big 50 on Monday the 15th.

Off to see the Wizard

I am off to see the wizard shortly to get my test results. I have been very tired and distant lately which I am sure is my way of handling anxiety. Despite the feelings I am pretty positive about what I believe to be the results. I am beginning to think that really whatever the results I am pretty positive. I was just told by my daughter to get in touch with the life force within me. I think it was a good piece of advice. I think that I am surrounded by good life force both within and all around me. Today I prefer to be clean so that tomorrow I may radiate my life force.

Think CLEAN!

As you might notice it is early in the morning. Cannot figure out why I am having trouble sleeping. Anyway, thank you, thank you, thank you for the calls and emails of support for my upcoming photography session. I think today is a Grateful Dead skeleton and roses T Shirt day. I am also taking my blue evil eye that just came to me from Turkey, my rub stone from New Zealand, and my lucky Cat. In my heart I am carrying all of the many warm wishes for good news. I will drink a barium cocktail today in honor of all my friends and family. Think CLEAN!

Team P Train

Just got back from getting a neupogen shot at St Josephs and I thought I would let you know more about the November Pancreatic Cancer walk. I have registered a team for the 5k walk and it is appropriately call The P Train. We already have 5 people committed to participating. If you would like to join us on the walk or just make a much needed sponsoring donation go to the website http://www.pancan.org/purplestrideatlanta/ . Choose registration to join the team or make a donation to a participant. Then enter my name or search for The P Train team. Also if anyone has a silent auction item they would like to make available for the October 5th GIST silent auction just email or call me and I will help you make the connection.

I am very anxious about the Tuesday scan but am really looking forward to the short vacation from chemo. I think I will get about three weeks off but will know for sure on Thursday. Then it will be back to the trenches.

More often, huh

Before I forget, cuz I have been doing alot of that lately. Tomorrow nite (Friday 9/5) at 8 PM on ABC, NBC & CBS please try and watch the show Stand up 2 Cancer. It is a collaborative effort to both raise money, awareness and educate about the advances and lack of them in the major areas of cancer research and treatment. It has been touted as a very good show. If nothing else you will see a lot of Lalaland stars. Info can be found at standup2cancer.com .

Well as you can see I am posting more often. It has only been two weeks instead of three. Today was my last chemo for a few weeks. My counts were down but not enuf to cancel the treatment. I will have to take my shots over the weekend to build up my whites. I was very happy to not have today cancelled as I do not want to wait another week to have my scan. I will have it on Tuesday and hopefully get the results on Wednesday. To say I am a little anxious is a big understatement. Once I get the news that it has not spread, I will meet with the radiation oncologist to schedule a radiation/chemo regimen. I really am not sure how many treatments or how it works yet. I decided to wait for the scan results before I investigate. I know that they will wait about three weeks before beginning to give the old body a chance to purge those toxic chemical cowboys from my system.

A couple of other notes of "cancer interest". Friends of ours are sponsoring a benefit for GIST cancer. This a unique gatrointestinal stromal tumor. Our friend Lenny had gist tumors in his liver and they were able to effectively kill them and then remove them surgically along with 1/3 of his liver. But his liver is growing back. We have only three organs that are capable of regeneration, do you know what they are? There are only about 5,000 new cases of gist in the world each year and less than 5% have the succesful results that he has had. Anyway the benefit is in early October and there will be a silent auction for goods and services. If anyone has something they would like to donate for the auction feel free to let me know. And as long as I am in the "hitting up mood" Cathy and I will be participating in a fundraiser for the Pancreatic Cancer Network on Nov 5. We will be doing a 5 K walk (not run) and anyone who would like to either participate with us or sponsor us are welcomed. Info on this can be found at http://www.pancan.org/purplestrideatlanta/. Okay no more bully pulpit hocking.

I have discovered over the last month that when I am talking "cancer talk" with other people who either own or are working towards taking control of their particular cancer the conversations are really captivating. We can get lost in the details without feeling like we are boring anyone. But I noticed there is another communication going on through the eyes. I see a warmth that is pushing through and making a connection. I have to admit what I see and feel is good. I believe that the reason for the connection is the unspoken common bond that exists. Not just the cancer but that sometime in this other person's past they received information in one moment that changed their life forever and not all for the good. Life speeds up. Decisions need to come quickly as does the need to receive information in order to better help yourself. So many things are happening so fast. I think this is the impetus for the connection. I particularly enjoy what I see in someone elses eyes. I am not sure why I bring this up except that we all have common threads that run through us with other people who are in our lives. Acceptance and connections are bonds that we all look for with others. They are ways that we feel a part of a more intimate bond. We seem to love when it happens spontaneously and then for some reason work very hard to suppress the desire to revisit over and over again. Just another observation.

I look forward to a great scan result and having a few weeks away from this toxicity. Come be clean with me. By the way, the liver, skin and brain are the only ones capable of regeneration. There is question about whether the brain actually regenerates or just internally can create new capabilities. Yes the skin is considered an organ.