P train detour

Hello from your substitute teacher,
Mr P is feeling a bit tired to report, so I will be posting for him. No spitballs please. We have had an interesting couple of days. Paul missed the palatial estate of St Joe's, so we returned on Tuesday evening in our hired car with 2 EMT's at our service. We are housed once again in a penthouse suite on floor 7. The nurses are starting to recognize us.
He was in a lot of pain when he was admitted to emergency. They got an xray, a CT scan and gave him some good pain meds finally. The CT scan looked good according to the doctors, even better than the last one. So we have ruled out some issues. But his white blood cell count has decided to be fruitful and multiply. We will be housed in our little room for a few days until we can figure out what kind of party is goin on inside of Paul. He is running a slight temperature, but nothing over 101. I am politely asking him to drink Ensure - Have you tasted that stuff???? They will be monitoring his caloric intake too. We shall see what good news we can get tomorrow. I am hopeful that by the end of the week he will be sleeping in his own bed once again. Thanks to Ashley, I have remained sane through this adventure. Happy resting tonight in your own bed again, Ash. Everyone, turn and wave to Ashley in Seattle.
So, I think it is time to go and I hope that we can all stand by for the P train to return and pray for him to get well soon.
Tim, if you are out there, we do have a special present for you, oh great tall one. I just need to mail it. Beware......... My apologies to Cindy.

Thanks for everyone's love and support. Pardon any punctuation errors.


Love ,
Cathy

Fresh ......................ahhhhhhhhhh

I slept for the first time in over two weeks last nite. I mean I really slept a high quality, comfortable, drug induced sleep. Most importantly it was in my own bed and no one was coming in every two hours to check, poke or prod me. I actually woke up feeling refreshed this morning which lasted about two hours and felt great and then I crashed for another couple of hours. They told me to listen to my body once I got home and I think I am doing just that. Right now I am making a pig face at the hospital as a sign of my joy of being home. Please understand I cannot say enough good things about St. Joseph's and the staff. They were wonderful to Cat and I and that had nothing to do with the 2 dozen donuts and the large basket of leaf bookmarks that were brought to them. My home is where my heart, health and happiness truly are and I am grateful to return to it. So what if I am only 90% of the man I once was. We all have at least 10% of ourselves we would like to change.

Speaking of change, most of you know that I have thoroughly enjoyed my early retirement but had been reaching a point where I needed to start making some real changes and taking on challenges that are longer lasting and impacting. I have never been one to plan these changes to far in advance. The motivation usually is brought forth through events and people that enter my life. Just thought I would let you know that I may have possibly reached the top of the slide. I do not think there are many more steps to climb. I can just peak over the top and can only tell you it looks long and windy. I am going to turn into a Beatles song.

We go for our first follow doctor's visit on Wednesday. I may lose half my staples. I also was given the name of one of Dr. D's patients by my request before surgery and never got around to calling him. My wonderful ex, Alyse, gave me the name of a gentleman today that is pancreatic cancer survivor and has apparently motivated some pretty important work in the area. Turns out they are one in the same. Another TZ Moment in my world.

I also wanted you to know that about six or seven years ago I wrote a short story but never finished it. Before I went in for surgery I decided to bring it back to life and complete. Some time in the next week I am going to have Ash show me how to create a link to it for those that might enjoy. If you go there do not feel compelled to respond. But if you do please do so truthfully.

I am off to another nap. Take care.

Well I am finally in that place that there is no place like and it is true. It is a little trouble to learn how to negotiate because we do not have all of the handicap nifties but I would rather learn and suffer here. I was going to go stir crazy if they did not let me out today. Thankfully the doctor felt the vibes. His words were that there is nothing more we can do for you here that you cannot do for yourself at home. He was a very wise man. I think I will have a little more energy to speak tomorrow. Just a short pack up job and trip home has taken a lot out of me. Give us a couple of days to get settled in before we start partying too hard. Thank you so much to everyone that has kept in touch, provided food for the family and helped get the house in order.

It is Saturday and I have already had my breakfast, which sucked, taken a walk and a shower, seen the doctor and am now talking to you. It is amazing how horrible hospital food really is. I think part of it is trying to maintain a well established reputation. I have finally gotten through battling a fever. If I can go another 24 hours in normal range they will let me go home tomorrow. Keep those fingers crossed. My stomach is still pretty swollen so sitting or lying down is still uncomfortable but seems to get better each day. I did have a little bump in the road yesterday which kept me and my close loved ones kinda down. We got the pathology report back and dispite what it all looked like on the outside and inside the tumor was confirmed as malignant and imminating from the pancreas. This and the fact that the cancer had metastisized into one pancreatic lymph cells really set me back quite a bit. This means a longer and more agressive treatment and I honestly do not yet know much more about that then what I have told you. I am sure I will learn much more over the next couple of weeks.

Meanwhile back at the ranch besides the food being really bad everthing had this tinny, metallic smell to it. Part of it is me from this yucky contrast I had to drink b4 the CT but the rest is very real and always there. When I was running the fever I would sweat it out sometimes and my sheets would get soaked and not dry cuz the mattress is covered in plastic so it cannot air out. You would think as expensive as this place is the amenities would be a little better. I can't understand why so many people try so hard to get in. Time to drift, the pill just kicked in. until later on.

One bump for the road

Just a quick note to let everybody know I am still here but laying kind of love, I mean low. I think the tiredness is finally starting to catch up with me and on top of that I have been running a low grade fever that the doctor said is not unusual but he wants to see it go away. I am going to have to have CT this afternoon to see what might be causing the fever. They also took me off all of my liquid medicines today. That means no more dilaudid. I asked for one more bump for the road and got that around 10:30. Our room smells like a high class house of ill repute. I love it. I did get to go downstairs and spend about 5 minutes on the outside. It is hot. It was also good to breathe some real air. Sorry to those of you I have turned down visits from, today is just not a good day and I will not see anyone if I am not looking good. Thanks for keeping up your comments. D.I.E.T. Y.I.L.Y. to all.

welcome back, welcome back, welcome back

Before I actually start this post I wanted you to know I actually wrote this yesterday and apparently instead of posting, I deleted. You will understand why as you read on.

I am so sorry that I have been gone for a short while. I see that all of you have been kept in the loop by Cat. She has done such a good job that either I am going to have some more surgery or she will start her own blog. I, on the other hand, have been out of the loop and one might say that I have been downright loopy. Dilaudid is an answer to a number of problems. It certainly is an answer to a pain issue. But it also kept me from having a decent sense of the present time. It is a very powerful and effective tool for pain management and escaping the woes of reality. I have now decreased the number of times I press the "magic button" significantly. The first few post op days were thinking I was totally aware, hearing a few things around me that were not actually being said by people that did really exist. Do not worry, I had a decent amount of prep work for this type of scenario back in '67. Now I have to admit, so those of you that have children cover their eyes, that I did smoke marijuana but unlike Bill I did inhale. Many of you know this but I went to bed that evening and woke up the next morning and it was 1972. So I come to the table prepared. The nature of my hallucinations and the way it effects me has changed a little. I found myself turning my head to answer a question that was asked and no one was there to speak to. This and a few other kept up for a few days. They are now under control and I worry that the good doctor is going to take away my dilaudid privileges soon. It is a necessary but cruel thing to do. All (did you catch that I said all) of the various tube delivering goods into and out of my body have been removed with the exception of my cloride fluids and the pain killer. Rumor has it that few of the bad guys have lingered around so at the end of the day I get a couple of extra pills and shots to track them down and put them into custody. It usually means a "death sentence for them".

Cat has been sleeping in the room for the last few nites and all the cards and flowers get put out so it has become a homey little spot. Even the nurses enjoy visiting for a while.

Ry left yesterday to head back to LaLa land. I was so happy to have him hear. It is amazing to experience how much he has grown since first going to LA. Ken, L'il Charm, Ashley and Melanie went to Alyse's for a Seder night before last and Ry led the ceremony. I was told by all present that he did an excellent job. His presence here was very much felt by me and many others. I could not have ask for better caregivers than Cat and Ash. I think they are planning to form a business called "The Catash Sistas" and will be taking their caregiving talents on the road. Having both of my children close has been very meaningful.

Hey Tim, I got you a souvenir from my hospital experience and am sending it to you along with a few coloring book pages from my hospital activities book to you and the kids.

Gotta stop now cuz dinner is round the bin and I have been upgraded from broths to purees. Take care.

So long from the substitute

I bid you all a fond farewell as your substitute host on the P train. It is a happy occasion to think that your original host will return full steam ahead. Paul has walked today, doing laps around the nurses' station. More tubes have been disconnected. We don't know yet what that means as far as how much longer he will be here at Hotel St Joe's.
I am thrilled to think that he will be posting soon. So this is a sign off with love from me (and Mr P too)
Thanks and may the P train keep a rollin,
Cathy

Takin a walk

Hello from room 702

Paul ventured out of his room and walked a lap around the nurses' station. Quite impressive!! He will do this several times a day at DW's urging. DW is Deborah, the angel lady from last night. She will be his walking buddy today. I can't think of a better person to be helping him.
He was tired last night but he slept off and on. There were several things that presented themselves last night. He was running a temp of 101, his drainage pumps leaked at the sites in his abdomen, and one of our neighbors was moaning quite LOUD. We made it thru.
Dr Daneker just came in, gotta go more later,
Cathy

Caregiver meltdown and other stories

Silly me, I finally had what I like to refer to as "caregiver meltdown". It is quite interesting being on the flip side of your loved one and wanting to take away their frustration and pain. Paul got out of the land of ICU and moved to the 7th floor where healing dreams can come true or that is what I am sure all of us would wish. He was tired from the move, but in true Paul fashion he received many loving guests today. Thank you all for coming and bringing your love and lovely selves.
I felt so badly for wearing down and letting my guard down around Mr P. I had a healing conversation with Ashley. So the meltdown was taken care of by another caregiver!! I suppose that is the way the world works, right? Thanks Ashley for listening. You do it so well.
Back in Paul's room, I debated setting up to stay the night. An angel woman named Debra came in and asked me if I wanted to stay as I was packing up to leave. She asked if my back and age could take the cot and brought me all the right stuff to stay and have a comfortable night with Paul. I am thinking she must have known I had a caregiver moment and sent the voice of mom's reasoning to me. I hope she hangs around some more to do that for Paul. I like to believe that the right people come around at the right time. Ok more like I needed a very down to earth soul to come around and tell me to keep my ass here where Paul needs me.
He had a benadryl shot to relieve the itching and it helped him to sleep. He is restless though and I can tell it is hard for him to be comfortable. I wish I could take his place for the night at least although he might not want to trade for the cot. He just asked me if I was blogging. So yes, he is in and out of his sleep. Now I am hearing a little snoring, so that's good.
His blood pressure is good, they are checking all of his dressings and cleaning and changing things as necessary. Sounds very hospitalish, but I won't go into details unless you don't mind that lovely shade of green known as puce - isn't that green???? No more details and maybe that one wasn't called for, but after all, I am an artist and color is my thing.
I will sign off for now, listening to the hum of the hospital and praying for Paul's speedy recovery.
Much love,
Cathy

ICU or move?

All of us are back in the ICU waiting area and we continue to check on P. He looks good today, but he didn't get much sleep last night. We are waiting to hear when he can move up to a room. Yippeeee! That means he is that much more mobile - not that we expect running or jumping, but just getting out of bed is a fabulous feat. The doctor saw him this morning and decided that he can leave ICU - wait a minute, that was the coach who said he was ready to change Paul's position. I hope to be waving him home from third base soon. He truly has been a great team player. Then the games will begin at home to insure that he continues his healing process. I will be gentle but firm with occasional bits of being a hardass. If he steps out of line I am capable of doing rare and unusual things to keep him in line.
Also, last night, one of the nurses in ICU came in to let us know they were trying to decide who P looks like more, Sean Connery or George Clooney?? I would say that would make him feel better. Actually, it really did. Judie, you are right, I am married to eye candy. I'm ok with that.
So, his healing is progressing nicely if one can say that for someone who has staples in their belly. They have a localized pain medication to help with the incision site. They also still have him equipped with his pain pump to deliver relief. I am signing off for now, and will keep you posted if he gets let out of ICU.
Much love to all and Paul sends his message,DIETYTILY
Cathy

guess who

please ignor the typos. hello from the world of dilaudid, tubes, bags and other magical devices. i am feeling better than i was expecting but fear not. it still hurts like hell. last night was a very restless night full of auditory and visual halucinations. sort of like a flashback but a little scarier for a while. i do not have long to do this cuz they want to run cat out of the room. i should be back in full blogging form by tuesday or wednesday. thx for all the care and concern. i truly believe it has helped my recovery to go speedier. must go. d.i.e.t. y.i.l.y. to all.

A BIG public KISS to CAT. luv ya girl. P

The P Train still runs

Hello again from Paul's palatial temporary home called St Joseph's, where everyone is truly wonderful and caring. Really! Ash and I were talking about it on the way home last night, how in spite of the circumstances, this experience has been such a positive one where there has been so much love encircled around Paul and his family train. I want to thank you all for putting him in your thoughts and prayers. Ry called Paul "Bigbird" the other night so I couldn't resist getting him a stuffed Big Bird in a happy yellow color with his big orange feet so P wouldn't forget the color that his P train was producing.
This morning we arrived to see him hooked up to his monitors and various pumps. I asked to check under the hood and check out his tube installments. Quiet interesting and informative. He is very hooked up to all kinds of bags. I feel like he is in a body shop - oh wait he is in a body shop. We can visit him every 2 hours for 1/2 hour at a time. It is really great to see how he is progressing so rapidly with his color returning. His eyes look clearer, his lung function is great, his bloodwork was good, the"stuff going out" looks clearer and his bilirubin count is now at 6. To give us neophytes more of an idea of how good that is, his count from a prior blood test was 12.8 and then the day of the surgery it was up to 19. I'll take 6 anyday.
They are giving him insulin shots until his blood sugar levels out more - he was at 200 and later at 142, so another shot is due for Mr. P today.
I don't know if I mentioned this, but before he went into surgery, he was imagining being opened up by the doctors. They were all gathered around placing their bets and rolling the dice and saying, "Snake eyes!!!". That was without any hallucinogenics yet.
Now he is on his Dellotid and feeling no pain I hope. He has his bags of glucose for his happy meal. We can't wait to get him back on the barbeque - he can't either.
At the moment though, I will love seeing him getting rid of the tubes and bags, one by one.
Much love to all and don't forget your comments. WE love them all and I know that P will too. At the moment since I am the substitute teacher, be gentle.
Love
Cathy

P Train Rolls On To ICU

Good news: Surgery is complete. Paul is in transition to ICU. He has a pain pump installed at the incisions. The doc said all went well, all things considered. We'll keep you updated but wanted to let you join us in the sigh of relief as we move through this waiting day.

His memory won't really be with us for the next day or two. Visitations will be better after ICU. His request was for flowers, plants, and music to fill his room when that time comes.

On a sentimental note, Ryan gave Paul a beautiful compliment last night that resonated so true to us. He said,

"You've made yourself so easy to love. You put yourself out there and allowed us to be there for you."

Thanks Paul and thank you to everyone.

Cathy, Melanie and Ashley

It's Showtime

Today is the first introductory session into Paul's adventure in losing his yellowness. We got him to St. Joseph's and I helped him get into his lovey attire of white hair bonnet resembling a shower cap(very fetching) , white socks with little paw prints on them, and a smashing blue wrap-around gown with opening in back. Hospital couture.
After getting appropriately stuck with needles and tubes with bags attached, he was wheeled off to surgeryland. We are currently in the hospital waiting area. We have claimed a number of chairs and tables and such to stake out our territory of Coopers and friends and whoever wants to join the family. Please understand I must be silly as it helps to calm the butterflies inside me. We were give a beeper much like those we all get at restaurants. We have gotten a call from one of the attending nurses in the operating room to say that they had started the surgery and he was doing fine. How cool is that?
It is 2:45 and we arrived at the hospital at 9:45 this morning. The waiting game has begun and we have so much support and love around us. What more could we ask for except 2 things that I can think of at the moment. One is that Paul will come out the other side of all of his yellowness to tell of his adventures "behind the operating room door" . The other is that the pollen will be gone from Atlanta soon. NO MORE YELLOW - YIPPIEEEEEEE!
We are feeling the love coming our way from all of you and I love the fact that Ashley let me hijack her mac to enter this.
Love and kisses to you all and a big fat hug as well,
Cathy

shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

It's six AM in the morning and everyone is still asleep so I am trying to blog quietly. Just wanted you guys to know that Kenny and L'il Charm made it in last nite. Kenny did not arrive until 2 AM. I am a lucky guy to have such a great family and such great friends. I will see all of you in a few days. Dom't forget NO EMBARASSING PICTURES this time.

Coach makes Final Decision.....

After weeks of anticipation, rumors flying back and forth, and a variety of ill conceived trade talks, Coach George Daneker has made his decision. Once unknown, underdog Paul Cooper has made the final cut. Even though this whipple destined whipper snapper is a good 10 years or so under the average mean age group, Coach "D" stated he was happy with his final decision. " At 58 this young coop carries with him a fan base and an internal sign of fortitude that we have not seen in a good while. I think he will be good for the league and good for our image. I promise I will do right by him. As you all know the first cut is the deepest but I see victory and sunny days ahead". When asked what he thought Coop's greatest weakness was Coach quickly responded that the unpredictable nature of "the kid's family" was his only concern. He has a real good fan base, but that immediate family group causes us a bit of concern this close to opening day. As most of you know they are a fiery group of variety. Everything from "All you need is Love" to "It must be happy hour somewhere in this world". I think we can keep a good watchful eye on the immediates but when you add those damned, unpredictable cousins on top it is enough to cause consternation even to the steadiest of hands. I told Coop that during recovery I will not be afraid to toss any one of them if they get out of line. I know all of them have the best of intentions but I want the crown this year and you are my main man. Coach "D" would not offer any more comments. He was last seen boarding a completely empty AirTran flight (only the pilot was aboard) headed to Milwaukee with no luggage and only a couple of pair of handcuffs. When asked his intentions we could only hear a muffled response. Reporters thought they heard something about "big fart" in one sentence and "obsessive loose cannon" in another. I know we all cannot wait for the season to actually begin. If it is anything like preseason we are in for a good, intense, gut-wrenching whipple of a stretch that should bring us the title this year. This reporter is gonna sign off for few days to take a much needed rest. I will see all of you, as they say in the game, "on the other side of this victory".


I read this the other day in "The Onion" and thought some of you would find it of interest. I will probably spend most of the evening with those "damned immediates tonite". Pre-op day was yesterday. I was really wrong about one aspect of the surgery. The nurse from the anaesthesia group said I am going to have general anaesthesia and the epidural part is for the first few days of post op pain management. I will probably be in ICU for 1-2 days. Obviously that one is a doctor's call. They pointed out that if you see me in ICU just look, don't touch or talk to me. The times for visitation in ICU coincide with the only periods I will have to sleep and they said I need my rest.
I was really lucky last night to have a mini version of my favorite activity. A small group of my kids, sibling, close friends and Cat had dinner that for the most part was supplied to us by others. Ry even cooked a dish. Because this is my surgery most of the side conversations were in some degree of separation about me. Although it was a very small group of 10, I was able to wander in and out of some of the talking as that perverbial "fly on the wall". Someone asked me how I felt being talked about in the third person so much. I know I gave an answer I just cannot remember what it was. I can say that after pondering on it for a while it has been all that third party talk that is allowing me to stave off most of the fear and anxiety. I admit that I am deep inside a little afraid cuz I do not wish to be a permanent fly on the wall (bet some of you will now think twice before you pick up a fly swatter). But the greatest contribution that I have received in life is to be surrounded by lots and lots of really good human beings. I feel like I even get to see the good side of some of them that many people think do not have a good side. I can tell you that Cat and I asked the Dr. how life changing this surgery is to the patient and he said that after recovery you should resume a normal routine. I am really grateful for that because I know that many are out there with just as serious of a problem and just as big of a piece of surgery or even more serious and bigger without the better odds of success. I also think I know that when faced with a situation with one of the two inevitables (sp?){Taxes being one} as choices, physical lifestyle changes are not the only results out their post operatively. I really have appreciated having the ability to talk to people without needing to look up see approval or boredom. I also have enjoyed being able to get things out in this journalized manner. I feel certain I will keep it up after surgery and, if I do, I invite any of you to come and go as you please. If you have not stopped by for a visit in a while and suddenly feel your ears burning it is likely that will be me raking you through the coals. Just remember, it is a moving train, that is and will always be just passing through for visits. I do control the speed but it is how "I roll". I just wish I had paid more attention in my English classes when it came to pucntuation. A big huge D.I.E.T Y.I.L.Y. to all (those uninformed can ask Cat for the answer to the Acronym).

Not gettin shot today

You know the old military saying "don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes, boys". Well I am safe for the next three days unless they change the color to yellow. It has been interesting watching the transformation I am going through. I could possibly be evolving into a higher form of being. I might think that could be a possibility except at night when I start feeling like one of Bart Simpson's favorite tv shows, "The Itchy and Scratchy Show".

Had a great massage today. It was my required pre-op massage. I really recommend everyone have one on some kind of regular basis. Today my friend, Jeffrey, brought his table to the house and provided at home treatment. It was great and very relaxing. Later on Cat and I are going to the airport to pick up Ryan and Ashley and I am really looking forward to that. Tomorrow is pre-op visits to both the doctor and to the hospital, so then I think the idea of what is really going to happen is going to start sinking in. Thanks everyone for the continued support and good positive vibes I have been getting. He may open me up on Friday, take a look around, realize he cannot find a thing, scratch his head, close me up.... I think it is probably more likely that he will just plant a flag in me to mark his territory kinda like Neil Armstrong on the moon.

Hope everyone is having a good week. I will try and be a little more interesting with the next few posts. I am sure that Cathy and/or Ashley will keep them up while I am incommunicado. In the mean time check out the real Yellow Man.

Low slow day

It's a low day today. Spent the better part of last night itching and trying not to scratch. You know what they say about low days? A low day in the mountains is better than no days in the mountains. Unfortunately I think we are going back tomorrow. The good side of that is the kids are coming in on Tuesday. I told Ash that I should be peaking about the time they get here. My new hot spring color is really beginning to diplay itself. As my doctor said I am working towards that "glow in the dark" yellow. Those of you that live close by us should check out your bilirubin count cuz if you find yourself a bit low I am in a giving mood.

Speaking of which, how many of you noticed that my good Memphis friend Billy Rubin left a comment on the big "whew" day. I bet you thought he did not exist. Billy and I worked together many years ago in the Outdoor Recreational Therapy world. Back then that meant we got to play outside with kids a whole lot and got paid to do it. We even convinced about 30 sets of parents of 11-13 year olds to pay and entrust us with there children on a three week camping trip from Memphis to the Grand Tetons and back. We took the kids on a big yellow school bus and never slept inside a building the entire time. We actually did this same trip three years in a row. Like most new experiences they were all good but the first one was the best. I think the first year there were 5 or 6 staff in total. 3 males and either 2 or 3 females. All three guys had longer hair than the girls. We are talking 1970. Fast forward 38 years and my skin is turning yellow and his hair has turned white. I am assuming that he tossed the bottle of Grecian formula for men. That is probably enough bilirubin for anybody for a day.

FROM the T.Y.P. !!

From 3500 feet high up in the mountains of western Carolina I say I am proud to accept this award on behalf of Dr. Whipple. If he were here with us today I know there would be many people he would want to thank. Since he is not, I will thank those who I want to thank (sorry doc). First, I want to thank my wife for putting up with me everyday and providing comfort through the lows and a good ear whenever I need it . I know she will continue the good work. Then I want to thank my children, Ashley and Ryan, for their ongoing, daily vigilence and presence. Their doses of warmth and love have earned them a permanent spot in my will. I will never, ever threaten to pull their names again. It is the least that I can do for being the truly loving children they are. To my family who never seems to fail me regardless of the situation I want you all to know that I have made an endowment contribution to the Clarity of Mind Society, the WHY? chapter for the SSFW Fund. That is the Spring, Summer, Fall Winter Fund. This insures you guys will have four good knock down parties every year for the remainder of yours and my days. Of course I had to order a lifetime supply of gingerale and Ensure for me. For all of you that have called, commented and contributed to our support system thank you, thank you, thank you. You really like me ! And finally for the person who made all of this joy and excitement possible, Dr. George Daneker. Without your special way of information delivery Doc the good news that I only have to have all of my gall bladder and a portion of my stomach, pancreas, bile duct system and upper intestine removed none of this celebration would be possible. Oh, and before the music starts to signal my time is up, Dr. Allen Oldfather Whipple wherever you are Thank you.

I hope I have not offended all who read. Just a select few. I have yet to feel comfortable being completely humble and sincere in a public type forum. I will say that my irreverence is real and my humility, awe, and sense of appreciation of everyone's presence in my life is at times overwhelming. Without my knowing a small, flexbile, well protected, nonthreatening, non malignant encasement has formed within me capturing all of this nurturing and storing it to be used and returned when and as needed. I promise I will use it when I need to and will get back at as many of you as I can with your just due.

Speaking of 'just due" I think my liver is delivering it's own sense of retribution. I have temporarily lost my sense of taste. I now get to enjoy most foods I love only by texture and not by taste. It actually is very interesting. Most everything I now eat has a flat taste and I can obviously feel the pure texture of the food, but I also have a sense of the texture of the seasonings. I will not bore you with the different experiences so far, except for one. Since I am supposed to load up on proteins before the surgery Cat went and got me what all you youngsters out there swear you will never buy, Ensure. So far I am partial to the Homemade Vanilla. I can actually taste all of it. I am sure it is because as a mere child my mother's father, Grandpa Krakaur, used to make us kids his special milkshakes. I never actually got to see what he did. I only knew it came out of the blender and I loved them. I later realized long after he passed away that I was drinking Carnation Vanilla Instant Malted Milk in a blender and I think sometimes he added a raw egg. It was not a disappointment just took away some of the mystery. Anyway, it is my understanding that the loss of taste is probably the work of my liver. It is either being defensive or vengeful. Since I cannot properly digest foods with the fluids it produces than maybe it is thinking why not save the taste buds all that extra work. Or the converse since all the helpful fluids it produces are just being blocked by this "tumoric" dam and causing internal discomfort than the liver is seeking retribution by saying "if it cannot digest it than I cannot taste it". What an amazing structure the human body is.

Thanks to those of you that stuck around through these ramblings. One week from today. Just me, the knife, the doc, the spirit of Oldfather Whipple and your well wishes. Oh by the way T.Y.P. ; The Yellow Poster. That's him at the beginning of this post. D.I.E.T. Y.I.L.Y. to all

It will only be a whipple.... whew!!!

Who knew someone would be so excited about having a piece of major surgery, but I am. We just got back from the Dr. Daneker and we know that it has not spread into the lungs or lymph system. It is on the ampulla side (intestinal) not pancreatic side. The April 18th date is still on. For those that care it will be a Chevron side to side incision (horizontal). I learned that a whipple is a whipple is a whipple. That means he takes out the same amount even though this particular tumor is small. I think I will save anymore words for later on. I feel like I have been carrying around a major weight and it just came off. He did suggest I load up with protein before the surgery so we are gonna go get me a filet. The only problem is that last night my unhappy liver decided to deprive me of my sense of taste. The location is actually the ampulla of vater. Sounds ominous, eh.

Hope to hear today ...

I have a 3:30 appt. with the doctor today. Keeping positive with all the support out there has been challenging at times but easier than I thought it would be. Today is a little different and I think it is because what is on the other side of the appointment is still unknown. It's the multiple choice question that no matter how much you think you know the answer a little voice in the back of your head says "am if fogetting something?". Cathy has laid hands on me so many times that I secretly check her hands every morning for warts. Ash and Ry call at least twice a day showering me with more than I could wish for. I cannot wait to have the conversation with them this summer. "What do I have to do? Get sick again to talk to you"? (It's the Jewish feminine side of me) Everyone else just keeps popping up everywhere. It's like being in a Harry Potter story where all the pictures on the wall keep talking to you as you walk by them. As an individual my support network has been humbling. I met with my rabbi, Rabbi Greene from Temple Beth Tikvah, the other day and he did a good job of helping me to remember to do just that, stop and be humbled.

By the way I am getting ready to do something fun that I have avoided for two weeks. For those of you who are medically challenged, the reason I am turning the color of everyone's (in Atlanta) car hood after sitting outside for two minutes today is due to a chemical called bilirubin. Essentially it is the waste product of our damaged or dying red blood cells. Normally this waste by product goes through a bile duct into the intestines and out the ole body. My duct has grown a detour sign blocking it, so my bilirubin is dumped into the bloodstream. Now for the fun part. When I lived in Memphis during the time between my sophomore and junior years of college (that represented about 7 years time with a few years in other locales) one of my good friends in Memphis was, You got it, Billy Rubin. I have not spoke to him in years and have hesitated doing so now cuz I did not want to call him just because I was not feeling well. I am over that part. So Billy if I cannot track you down and you happen to be googling yourself give me a call. For the rest of you, until tonite think of me every time you are awestruck by the color of your pollen covered car, patio, roof, driveway..........................................

I was not going to; But I will anyway

I was not going to post today for a couple of reasons. The main one being that I really do not have any news just a lot of anxiety, anticipation & apprehension (pretty good, huh). I am also itching a lot. This is one of the results of being jaundiced to long. It's random and is worse at night. I would take a picture so you could all see this yellow man but I do not think it would do me justice. My brother in law gave me the best description. He said I look like I got a bad Tan out of a cheap tube of tanning cream. So I have that splotchy kind of orangy, yellow look. The cheap ones of you out there know exactly what I am talking about. Anyway, I am trying to stay focused on non medical issues which I find somewhat difficult. Every once in a while I keep hearing this loud "UnngggHHHH" sound. Don't you guys worry it just Cathy zipping around the house cleaning up piles that have accumulated, getting rooms ready for our ops guests and making a new large pile by the front door for our every third month charitable contribution of stuff we have finally decided that we will no longer use and often forgot that we even had plus more stuff. I really am beginning to believe that somewhere in our house is a secret room where my nimble, agile, green thumbed wife grows this stuff. The fun part is she is really like a hummingbird. She gets to her destination, hovers to complete her task, zzzzzzip she's gone.

The second reason I was not going to post was that at 6:30 AM this morning I saw that my daughter had committed a sin that I did not even know was a sin until 6:30 AM. She had invaded my personal internet space and hijacked my blog. How cool is that? I must admit I have subsequently gone through a rash of feelings. The first was that I was afraid to post because a new post might discourage people from entering there comments to her post. Before I go any further I want you to know that my egocentric young body would love to come home from the hospital and see some entries. Another one of my favorite sayings is "Don't ask the question if you are not ready for an answer." I did ask you to talk amongst yourselves. Another feeling was after I left my blog would there be any posts when I returned. Thank you. The last one I will comment on is that I loved the picture mainly because I could not begin to count the number of cars attached to the engine.

I suspect my next entry will be late tomorrow. Until then comment, tawk, be the blog.

Stories About Paul

Hello. Ashley here. I'm hijacking The P Train for a moment. Sorry dad... but thanks for the password!

I figure... since we all seem to be gathering around here, and Paul's instructed us to "talk amongst ourselves," why don't we pass the waiting time by sharing some Paul stories.


Melanie got us started in the comments box down below

I recall a fun growing up sister memory.!! Remember letting me curl your hair with my foam rubber curlers?! We must have been about 6 and 7 yrs.

What's a Paul memory that touches your heart, makes you smile, is ready to be shared? Remember, you can also follow Tim's lead and post a picture.

A favorite that is coming to me at the moment is one with Marc when he said he'd call right back... Marc, would you tell that one? Take it away folks!

Not Good, Not Bad, Just not News

In the beginning of this process way, way back not quite 1 1/2 weeks ago I made a decision to stay with an experienced local surgeon in a private hospital setting. This was as opposed to a teaching hospital environment. I came up with a lot of well thought out good reasons to stay local. Obviously, there are always some not so great things to any decision. One is that Dr. Daneker is a small practice doc and today is a surgery day for him. He has not received the written report yet and will not deliver biopsy reports over the phone. My guess is he might if it was a bingo (B9) report. So I had already scheduled an appt for Wed at 3:30. I know, yes it is frustrating, yes we producing a lot more anxiety, yes we feel all of your concern and yes I know many of you out there are dying to express your much valued thoughts and input. For those of you that do not know some of my most valued expressions: One of them is "It is what it is". If you are interested that saying was actually derived from another expression that originated from one of my mentors that I first came in contact with many years ago. The saying, when first heard was much more coloquial and when it reached the proper, more refined homes of the South it was immediately redesigned to have a more cultured impact. I think I actually first heard it and remembered it when I was about six years old. My mentor had just finished overcoming a monumental hurdle and declared " I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam". He later when on to become one of the most quoted sailors in history and is the main reason that many of us are willing to eat spinach. Keep up the good comments and feel free to talk amongst yourselves and in the words of Walter Cronkite "That's the way it is" this midday, Monday April 7.

Popular Time

It is actually about 3 AM in the morning. (Ash, help my blog clock is broke) This is getting to feel like a very popular time for me to be awake lately. Today has been a very tough day, for both of us for that matter. I think the anticipation of not knowing is one of the more difficult things to work through. We went to the Dogwood Festival with friends and actually saw a number of friends while we were there. I promise that after I get my good news today I will tell you all a little something about friends that you will enjoy. I spoke to friends and family this evening. I ended the evening talking to my three most favorite people, Cat, Ash and Ry. It is amazing how waiting can play with your mind and body so much. Other than waiting to hear about something inside of me that is probably no more than 3 centimeters in size I had a great day. Bought a painting today, loved the painting and loved the title even more ... "Glass Half Full". Even my cousin, Cindy, told me today about a parent of a friend of hers that was diagnosed with a tumor on her pancreas and went to surgery for a whipple. Upon being opened up they only found a cyst. I personally think she made that up but what a great imagination that woman has. I look forward to knowing something, whatever it is.


Oh, by the way, I spoke to my cousin, Michael, today. And I thought I had problems..........

The want is in the wait

I do not want to post much today because as my father would have said

Hurry up and wait

I can feel that I am letting small things get in my way and I start drifting to looking at bigger pictures and I really do not want to do that today. I shall try and break up the day into bits and fill them with activities that can be buffered and wrapped with the papers of positive possibilites. Please, put the alliteration in it's proper place.

The weather is going to be great today. If you are in Atlanta do not forget the Dogwood festival even though it is in a parking lot this year. Our friends Lin and Will Christopher will be showing their work. Check 'em out.

No News is ..... "It Sucks"

I had my Cat Scan today, but will be lucky if I hear the results before Monday. Should have gotten a Dog Scan, they can never keep a secret. My anxiety level is pretty high so I find myself either on edge or a sleep. I am working real hard to stay positive and honestly so far am finding it easier than I thought for a couple of reasons. One is that there are so many of you sending so much positive energy that I can feel it coursing through me surrounding the bad guys. The other is that whenever I start feeling blue I remember to catch myself cuz it's bad enough being yellow but adding blue makes green and then Cathy would put me in a pot and forget about me.

There is another really good thing coming out of the ordeal. My children live on the other side of the country, one in LA and one in Seattle, and we talk regularly but periodically we go through a dance of who is going to be the one to call next. I don't think it is intentional, I think it stems somewhat from who happens to be feeling the most insecure at the time and in need of attention. Then again I may be full of crap. Anyway, these days I talk to them everyday at least once and I do not have to worry about who initiates the call. I love that on a lot of levels. I really wish that I could go to them in a couple of weeks and say April Fools but not gonna happen.

I am finding real comfort in putting this into words so if you find some of my musings boring or becoming ... whatever... just take a few days off but do put another dime in the music box later and come back for a visit. By the way I had a thought on the way home from the cat scan that the Doctor called and said "let's play Bingo, and the first number he called was B-9. Please do not try and think about that one too long.

In Between

Am in between a business meeting and my cat scan. Real tired due to a minimal amount of sleep last nite. Just got some disappointing news that due to the scan being late Friday afternoon all the major eyes that need to rule on the results will have fled for the hills for the weekend. I probably will not know anything about the results until Monday. The weekend will most likely produce some interesting posting. Hopefully, it will be more like "High Anxiety" Mel Brooks style.
If you are looking for a good spiritually uplifting quick read' try Grayson by Lynne Cox. You will not be disappointed. If you buy it today you will finish it before I get my test results.

Thanks to Ashley, I have a way of communicating information to my friends and family and a place to record my musings. To me it sounds indulgent but we have received so many calls that I cannot think of a better way to get information out and to hear from all of you. Most important, this blog was started two years ago after Cathy and I visited Ashley in Seattle. She set this up for me and I was so excited I only made one post to it. But I must say, it was a good one. If you have not read it you should take a moment to do so.

A quick jump now to present day. I really think it will help me (indulgent part) to get this out and know that somebody is on the other end. I have been tired a lot lately and when I went in for my six month blood work to check the cholesteral gauge I let my doctor know. As some of you know, cuz we share the same physician, Cathy and I love Dr. Meinhold. He told me that he had done to good of a job on my cholesteral count because it was now too low. As a result he reduced my meds and said come back in 3 weeks for another test. I did and he said my count was back in check but my liver enzymes were off the chart and to stop the meds completely. Again to come back in 3 weeks to have another blood test. About a week and a half later I decided to call the doc as I began to pee a color close to the burnt orange in a crayola box. That kinda indicated to me that something was not quite right. I called Meinhold and went in the next day.

Believe it or not that was only a week and a half ago. Since then I have had a cat scan & endoscopy. Thanks to my brother, his brother in law and my friend, Cantor Steven Weiss, I have had access to great medical resources. I have a tumor of the bile duct region. Don't know yet whether it is malignant or not, but in the area the odds are slim for benign. Don't know if it is on the Ampulla side (intestinal) or the pancreatic side. The biology of the tumor is better if on the Ampulla side. Don't know the exact size yet and most importantly don't know if it had spread or stayed in the local tumor hotel. If it has spread I will most likely go straight to chemo and radiation with surgical options taken off the table. Since it has not spread benign or malignant there is only one surgical procedure. I get to have a Whipple. This is a big piece of surgery that was named after the guy on tv that sold Charmin toilet tissue. Actually it was named after a doctor who developed the procedure 30 years ago. It has really been perfected over the last ten so and in the hands of a physician that has performed this surgery frequently the success rate is very, very high. I am very excited that I do not have to travel to New York, Connecticut, Boston or anywhere else. We have a top Whipple specialist right here in the Atl. Dr. George Daneker operates out of St. Joseph's and already has me on his calendar for April 18. He has performed between 250 and 300 Whipples. He is a Whipple maniac.

I have a high resolution cat scan tomorrow afternoon that will let me know whether it has spread and if it is malignant or not. Thanks to all of you that keep calling and the medical decision making, Cathy and I have really not had time to let our minds wander too far away from "just the facts, ma'am". I am sure there is an emotional train just over our shoulders trying to catch up.

I am feeling well for a "yellow fellow" but have to admit that the current anxiety level is high. It is strange to feel that the good news is that I will have major surgery. I will keep all of you that care to struggle through my posts updated. Please feel free to add your comments, positive thoughts, and critical reviews. Tell me about your Aunt Bertha's surgery later. I really have been moved by the level and quality of support and interest. Thank you is far too small for how I feel.

Speaking of moved that seems to be one result of the obstruction of the bile duct. I am moved frequently. If you are on this sentence thanks for sticking it out. My kids and wife can testify to my wordiness and that's why I love them.