Lump & Bump

I lost another part of me Friday. I decided to have my port removed. It was a difficult decision for a number of reasons. The first being "what if the cancer returns and I would have to have another one reinstalled". The second was odd because the port had become a part of me. I often found myself reaching to touch it just to make sure it and I were still here. We had both gone through a long journey and my port was the link to reaching my cancer (and it eventual destruction). On the other hand, its presence meant that every month I needed to return to the doctor to have it flushed so it would remain clean and clear. That was an inconvenience but oddly enough I will miss my regular visits to the Cancer Center. The center was often as much a source of comfort as it was a place of treatment. I always gained perspective when surrounded by others who were travelling similar journeys. Dr. Dubovsky said "take it out". It is plastic and when not used can only create problems. I know that some people have kept theirs in for as long as ten years. In the end I decided it was time to remove the foreign body from my domestic body. So I went to the St. Joseph's "Lump and Bump" room and my old friend, Dr. Daneker, removed my port of call. It was a procedure that was performed with a local shot and involved a scalpel, an electronic caulderizer (sp?), stitches, and super glue. I also had a patch attached to me that led to a machine that literally grounded me so I would not be electrocuted by the caulderizer. Removing the patch was the most painful part.

I saved the port as a souvenir of my travels. I am hoping it does not become part of a collection. Maybe Cat will include it in one of her pieces. Dr. Daneker said if she does he wants proper credit for assembling the port.


So I am now portless and for the next two years I am on a six month schedule for scans and visits. In April I will celebrate my two year anniversary since my diagnosis and surgery. So in the words of Batman's nemesis "Riddle me this": What sounds like an instrument of torture but in the right hands is a life saving solution? ....................................................... A Whipple! And I had one.

A New Year's Note

I cannot believe it has been almost a year since I last posted. What a year it has been. Cat and I have made up for lost time by travelling all over. From NC to Connecticut to England and Scotland. The New Year was welcomed in during our last visit to the Mountains of Western Carolina. We actually entertained a happy group of 13 while we were there. One of my best New Years ever. My major resolution was to continue living. To get it off to a good start I had my first six month scan yesterday and just got my results an hour ago. The great three letters that I now love NED- No Evidence of Disease. Ned has never been one of my favorite names but it is now.

I also am going to make a concerted effort to get back into The P Train. I like my view from here. Thanks to all who continue to provide friendship, support and love. A hearty, happy and healthy new years to you all.

Back from Land of Landscapes

We got back this week from a great trip in Arizona. We spent the first day with the TGEN Research group in Phoenix. It was a good news sorta no new news scenario. They agreed the latest scan showed no sign of disease. At this time there is no maintenance treatment available for pancreas cancer. If there were to be a recurrence than I am now set up to work with them for treatment. I did learn a little more about what could develop down the road and how to better use my supplemental enzymes. This latter discovery has made a huge difference in my daily gastric experiences. Instead of taking two pills with each meal I now take three, 30 minutes before I eat. It has helped tremendously. The next twelve months is a critical period for the possibility of a new occurrence. After that the stats jump to five years and then beyond. Hopefully I will be able to contact them again in 15-20 years.

The rest of our trip was really a blast. We realized it was the first out of town trip we had taken in a long, long while that was just Cathy and I and no commitments. I forgot how beautiful and varied the landscapes of Arizona are. We went from the galleries of Scottsdale to the desert of Phoenix, to the deserts, cactus and mountains of Tucson, to the Red Rocks and vortexes of Sedona, to the awesomeness of the Grand Canyon and finally to the snow and quaintness of Flagstaff. It sounded like a lot in a short period of time but our pace was casual and we met a bunch of really nice people along the way. Cat took some great pics which I am sure she will soon be sharing, we met an Aztec Elder who passed his healing blessings on to me, decided we might return to Tucson in November for their "Day of the Dead" celebration, were overwhelmed with the wonders of Sedona, and charted a private plane to fly us to and over the depths of the Grand Canyon (still one of my most favorite places to be).

One thing I am working on is to find a good nutritionist who has both an understanding of cancer and the physiology of my surgery. I am open to any recommendations. I know that improving my diet will help my daily comfort and it would be nice to quit eating foods that feed cancer cells and consume those that fight them. Red meat is now maybe a once a quarter treat as opposed to a multiple weekly event. Refined sugars are bad all around. I made a great discovery a few weeks ago: Blue Agave Sweetener. It comes in liquid form, tastes (to me) like sugar and is organic. I think it also will be an adequate recipe substitute as well and hopefully I will not read anything harmful about my discovery.

In the meantime I will get scanned every 4-6 months, keep posting and start taking advantage of each day disease free. As I might have mentioned before I am accustomed to being in treatment for the last year. There definitely were many negative side effects but it also was a time of having people around me that were taking care of me. Time to rediscover normalcy, a daunting task I think.

Off to see another Wizard

We are both excited about our trip today. This is the first trip that Cat and I have taken alone that was either not to the NC mtns or business related in a long while. No major agenda other than the Dr. visit and the Grand Canyon. A casual trip with no plans other than to be with each other. Good form. We have made lodging reservations in Scottsdale, Tucson and Sedona. Sedona is at the end of our stay so we will probably enter a Vortex in Sedona and come out the other side in Asheville and then drive back to Atlanta. If anyone had made that trip please let me know so I can dress for the occasion.

My Dr.'s appt is Monday afternoon. I probably will walk away with a plan but I think it might be a week or so before I have any real medical news. My life has been so medically oriented for the last year that this particular dr visit is almost a return to a norm. I have had somewhat of an abandoned feeling since my treatments ended. As a disease bearer I have been surrounded by caretakers and caregivers for a year and that came to a modified abrupt end. No treatments and according to scans no evident sign of disease. I truly am ecstatic about both but I must admit this has been an adjustment. Entering the possibility of remission is akin to entering retirement. No one really prepares you for the reality. Maybe the vortexes of Sedona are really calling.

In the meantime, I just realized we are flying into a NFL football crazed state. The cardinals play the eagles tomorrow to see which one will go to the Super Bowl. Bet it is kinda crazy.

Well I am off to see the wizard.

P.S. I strongly suggest everyone go buy a copy of "The Diving Bell and The Butterfly". Then whenever you find yourself drowning in self pity you can refer back to this short but incredibly powerful and beautiful story.

Back to the Post

I am not sure why I took the last two months off from posting. Part of it was preparing for and getting caught up in the holidays. Can't really say that I am yet aware of any other reasons.

For those that did not make the annual Thanksgiving festivities it was another successful year. This one was rather special for me mainly because I was able to be there. I think a good time was had by all. This was our 19th annual Thxgvng celebration. Next year will be our 2oth year and it also falls on my 60th birthday. I am stoked. We also enjoyed the rest of the holidays. We celebrated Xmas eve, xmas day and boxing day with a group of friends. We then went to the Mtns of NC for our annual New Years festivities. We had a great time this year and were both really happy when 2009 came along. One because we were worn out and two because I fully expect 2009 to be a better year.

It definitely started off in the right direction. I had a major scan on Jan 8th and the last line of the radiologist's report read "NO EVIDENCE OF METASTATIC OR RECURRENT PANCREATIC NEOPLASM." That was incredible news needless to say. I have to admit I added a few more days of celebration after that.

Cathy and I are leaving Sunday to go to Phoenix (actually Scottsdale). The timing is good because it is cold here and much warmer there. I have an appointment with the TGEN Research Center on Monday. They are a front line research group that conducts research in various types of cancer, diabetes and some neurological disorders. They have one group that does nothing but pancreatic cancer research and are well known for their work. They have had much success at finding recurrences when traditional means have not. It is not that I want to find anything but if the cancer is still there and can be found then I would much rather be proactive with it as opposed to just waiting for it to become visible. I am hoping they will send me home without finding any signs of new growth and a plan in place should something occur in the future. If that is the case I will probably add a few more days of celebratory joy. Cat and I plan on staying out there for another week. We will visit Tucson, Phoenix, Sedona, Grand Canyon and possibly Santa Fe. It is a much needed vacation for both of us. Just she and I and no specific plans. We tend to do well by the seat of our pants.

Congrats to our friend Lenny Kapiloff for his one year anniversary with no sign of disease. He fought a valiant battle with Gist Tumors and had half of his liver removed. Statistically he is in about 5% of those with his condition having made it this far with no sign of recurrence. Way to go, Lenny.

On the other side of the coin, I have had a number of friends this year be diagnosed with the cancer beast. It seems prostate is the most popular form of those I know. My wish for this new year is that we reach new heights of success with cancer research and cures. A $5 donation goes a long way. President-elect Obama proved this during his campaign.

I wish a Happy, Healthy, Safe and Musical Year for all.

F.U. 2 5FU

HELLO! I have learned something over the last six weeks. Feeling poorly does not inspire me to write. Most of the low points are now behind me. Friday was a big day. My chemo/pump that was tethered to me was removed. It was pumping the chemical 5FU into my bloodstream. The title to this post says it all for me. The radiation has been rough but I really think the chemo has been worse. I think I am over the nausea and other stomach turmoil. My hands and feet are beginning to heal and the top layers of skin are starting to peel so they look pretty nasty. Underneath the dead layers are new layers of skin that have feeling so that is good. I have my appetite back but not my sense of taste. I discovered that I can sense tastes and flavors in my brain so I will often get a craving for a particular food. I will make it or pick it up and then upon eating it has no taste and is a rapid disappointment. So I am currently eating bland food and dreaming about good food.

More good news is that this Tuesday is my last day of radiation. After 7 months I have no more planned treatments. I do not know what I will do with myself. Being sick and getting treated is all I have really known and focused on for about a year now. It seems like a long time ago. Cat and I will head to the mountains on Tuesday and then we will have to return on Friday. Saturday is the PanCan walk at Grant Park. All are welcome to join us and we will be in touch with all of you that signed up to walk to make meeting arrangements. Cat and I are making T Shirts for all the walkers. We have raised a little over $3700 and would love to hit $4000. If anyone feels the urge here is the link one more time http://pancan.kintera.org/faf/home/default.asp?ievent=284819.

My plan is to contact the Arizona Cancer Center next week to see if they will do DNA testing on my tumor (the hospital has frozen slides). They are good at locating markers that would indicate specific types of treatment. I also am researching to see if anyone has developed maintenance programs for pancreatic cancer. As is all cancers the "what you cannot see" is what needs to be treated.

After the PanCan walk we will be getting ready for my favorite time of year, Thanksgiving. It is definitely on and plans have been made. We should have a good crowd this year so don't forget to join us. We will serve dinner around 6 - 6:30 and entertain until the wee hours. If you plan on joining us for dinner just bring a vegetable side, a desert or a bottle of wine. We will be serving a smoked turkey and a traditional turkey this year. I will be modeling my Chemical Thursday wardrobe this year. This is a special Thanksgiving for me mainly because I am very grateful and thankful to just be present. I am also looking forward to thanking everyone for being so supportive and encouraging to both me and to Cathy. For those of you that usually show for the Friday night Alfredo's meal there finally is a change this year. We are breaking tradition and will be dining at Amalfi's this year. It is northern Italian in Roswell. Salvatore is the prorietor and Mama is the chef de cuisine. They are all prepared for us. Here is what Zagat's has to say about them. http://www.zagat.com/Verticals/PropertyDetails.aspx?VID=8&R=68317. We will have a private room for our group. I am really pumped.

I look forward to being a bit more regular with my posts and to seeing everyone over the holidays, Thanksgiving, Channukah and Xmas.

The P Train Has Been Hijacked

Alright, ya'll. This is Ashley and I'm hijacking the P Train again. Here's the scoop. I'm all the way over on this side of the country… and my dad's all the way over on that side. He's a tough one to get the truth out of when he's doesn't have to be accountable for body language and such! But from what I hear, he sounds miserable. I mean, sure, he's still got this incredibly up-beat and optimistic attitude. Each day he tells me he's feeling better than he did the previous day. He mumbles shit about only having two weeks left, or how lucky he's been. But in reality, it sounds like what he's going through sucks. AND his fingers get sore. So that's gotta mean that typing is difficult… sooo… rather than forcing him to write to us, let's write to him. :o)

This is an open comment thread. You can write whatever you want in the comment box… Write a message to Paul and his little fan club here. Share something interesting happening in your life. Post a picture of the kids. Write a haiku. Tell a joke. Whatever, it's your thread. Have at it… for Paul's sake!

photo source

Oy vey, I need to Kfetch

This has not been one of my better weeks. The radiation/chemo is really kicking my butt. I now have a condition call neuropathy which is caused by the chemo and results in damage to my nerves in my fingers and feet. They tingle and hurt. It takes me a while now to button my shirt and to walk to the bathroom. While I am walking slowly and painfully, I can put balm on my blistered lips and swish around a mouthwash to help the sores in my mouth. I leave the bathroom to your imagination. I also cover my dry itchy body with this cream call Udderly sMOOth. It was originally designed for cows. Fortunately, I should only have 2 1/2 more weeks of this. I guess the cancer gods saved the best for last. By the way, I warned you of the nature of this post in the title. For those of you that are not familiar with Yiddish, it means Damn, I need to complain. Thank you very much. for listening

Ain't that a bitch.

It has been a very interesting day today. I woke up this morning and made my daily trek to radiation and to have my chemo bag swapped out. Things have gone pretty well with only a slight problem with itching. The radiation oncologist was real pleased with how well I am handling the treatments. At the oncologist, I met another PanCan survivor and we had a really nice conversation exchanging conditions, observations and information. It was interesting that we both felt (as I am sure many others do as well) that the infusion room is almost like a cocoon of comfort for us. It is a place to go where everyone is somewhat like each of us. Our own personal Cheers. I met with Dr. Dobovsky and he was pleased enough with my progress that he suggested we meet every two weeks instead of weekly. Feeling pleased I went home to my loving wife and our new child, Bullwinkle. I now love both the female and the male that live under my roof with me.

Anyway as I write, I am battling nausea, sores in my nose, blisters on the bottoms of my feet and rashes on my legs and back from scratching. Ain't that a bitch. I am guessing my brain just could not handle being told by the doctors that they are pleased with how well I am doing. I just had to show them that it is not wise to get overly optimistic. The good news, though, is today is Monday and on Friday we are going up to the mountains with friends for the weekend. The leaves should be starting to really change colors. I am looking forward to introducing Bullwinkle to our Western Carolina home. I know he will love it there like we do.

Thanks for letting me push the Nov 15th PanCan walk on you. I really appreciate the support and the tolerance.

A face only a mother could love!

Not sleeping very well this night so I might as well reflect some. Even though it is a small thing I keep getting caught up in the line that connects my body to the pump. I think because I know it is there I do a little more tossing and turning then normal. It was interesting to be chemofied once a week, but now I am on a slow steady drip. I would love to be able to talk to my internals to get their reaction to the last five months of treatment. White Blood Cell "I cannot believe the ongoing sacrifices we are being asked to make." Red Blood Cell "Well I will show him, I am really going to make him feel worn out and dizzy this week!" Stomach "He really is trying to make us feel better in the long run but I am tiring of constantly being surrounded by all this noxious gas. Something has to give." Intestines "It's all the Pancreas' fault. He is the one who created the problem!" Pancreas "I want to be perfectly clear about this as it is an election year. If you take a look at the overall problem, in view of the specific situation, which I have not yet fully contemplated, You can bring into focus the major factors and draw some conclusion, one way or another, and govern your actions accordingly. Now that you now my exact position, please do not cast dispersions on me again." It's tough being an organ.

On a much brighter note, Bullwinkle is incredible. He is 70 lbs. of tail thumping, wavy haired, just what the doctor ordered. I am going to step out from my normal low tech existence and see if I can add a photo at this point. Ok, you already know I got the picture over and it is at the top of the post. Isn't that a face only a mother could love. We are really excited to have him in our family. I cannot wait for you to meet him.

Last Sunday Cathy and I went to a charity event sponsored by our friend, Lenny. It was a GIST tumor fundraiser (Lenny is a survivor) and for a first time event it was a huge success. I think close to $40,000 was raised. There were lots of reasons that it was such a success but I believe most was a testament to what his friends and family think of him. Cathy and I had a blast helping out.

Check out a new link I added this post. I met a new friend about a month ago at the PanCan November 15th fundraiser walk/run. His name is Merle Hamburger. He is another pancreatic cancer survivor and he is also a blogger. His site name is taken from a Monty Python movie and broadway play. He calls his site "I'm Not Dead Yet!" Go visit. This leads me to a time for another shameless plug and request. Senator Obama has shown us that $5 here and $10 there can actually turn into millions. So if you are so inclined and would like to either join or make a contribution to The P Train Team at the PanCan walk on Nov 15th here is the link: http://www.pancan.org/purplestrideatlanta/. You can choose to either register to walk and set up you own personal donation page or donate to a participant. Our young friend , Olivia Amaral (age 7 I think) has raised $110 by herself. Every little bit helps. Thanks for even considering.

Me and my new friend, Bullwinkle are going to attempt to go back to sleep. He will have no problem. Be well.

DANGER - HIGH LEVEL OF RADIATION

I am just finishing up my first week of radiation/chemo. I have this bag/pump that has become my permanent travel companion attached to me now. It goes everywhere I do and is sometimes slung over my shoulder, sometimes strapped to my waste and sometimes lying next to me in bed. Cathy is a much better bed companion than my old gray bag. About every 15 minutes I hear a noise kinda like something is briefly being wound up. That is the pump making a chemical injection. Going to the bathroom and taking a shower have become very unique experiences. Fortunately I will only have to do this for six weeks. Others are in similar situations their whole lives. How lucky am I.
I go for radiation every week day. I now have tattoos that mark my target spot for the radiation. They place a sharpie plus sign over the tattoo. I then lay on a table with my head in a custom pillow (seriously it is customized to my head shape). I stretch my arms over my head and grab a bar. Then they line me up by using laser beams to line up with my sharpie signs. Then the fun begins. It really is not to bad. The worst part is not moving cuz I was told not to move. Obviously I do not want to be radiated in the wrong places. But I am definitely one of those people who wants to do exactly the opposite of what I am told. Every place in my body starts itching when the machine cranks up. It only lasts about 15 minutes and I manage to stay still. I always feel odd going into the radiation room. The sign on the door says "DANGER - HIGH LEVEL OF RADIATION. I say in my head "OK cancer cells do you read that sign? It is time for you guys to head for the hills." The most frustrating part of the week has been to begin the daily treatment when there was absolutely no gas to be found.

I have become an expert with the various types of fatigue. Currently I am dealing with the kind that just flat knocks you out. I am sleeping soundly for three hour blocks. I also am losing most of my hair on the top of my head. It has been coming out in clumps lately. I do not think I will be left with even a decent comb over.

The good news in all of this is that Cathy and I may possibly have a new member of the family on Saturday. His name is Bullwinkle and he is a 70 lb Chocolate Labradoodle. It is a long short story to how we met Bullwinkle and his family. I will save it until I know he is going to live with us. I must run now because one of the single most captivating events in my life is about to take place. I, along with millions and millions of you, am going to watch two people who were chosen to be in second place debate. Unfortunately, it seems like this is more of a Nascar race then a vice presidential debate. I say that because most people are watching to see the crash. Anyway I hope neither of them catch on fire.

A time to forgive and forget

These last few weeks reprieve from chemo has been a real blessing. Cathy asked me if I ever forgot that I had cancer. I told her I never forget I just don't think about it sometimes. I have really gotten to not think about it more lately. A well earned respite. Two more days and then I am back to the drawing board. Monday I am privileged to get radiated and pumped up. I will get my first radiation treatment that will go every Mon-Fri for 5-6 weeks and will have a bag and a pump attached to me that will flow with 5-FU (How appropriate those initials are). I guess the chemo keeps the radiation going. I will be illuminating for weeks. If any of you would like to reserve your own personal nite lite just give me a call. It is amazing what technology has made possible over the years. Now they can actually control where the radiation starts and stops. It used to be that if the pancreas was radiated the rays would go right on through to the liver. Now they can control this so the aftermath is not so devastating. Before it was often like a nuclear bomb went off inside of people.

Monday night is also Erev Rosh Hashonah. That is the first night of the Jewish New Year. So Happy New Year everyone. It is significant to me that my radiation starts on the New Year. I am getting blasted clean for a good and sweet year. That comes from my mouth to God's ears. The best part is what happens 8 days later. Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, when I get to ask all for forgiveness for my wrong doings and at the same time grant forgiveness to those who have wronged me in some way. This includes the big guy himself but more importantly it is directed to us mere mortals. I look at the concept of forgiveness a lot differently lately. It really is a powerful tool. I found when I review what has made me angry at times or more importantly who has made me angry and I truly choose to forgive, the anger begins to subside and now the opportunity for that person to reenter my life is again available. It becomes somewhat painfully apparent that it really is easier to forgive than forget. These "high holy day musings" have been brought to you by "Dr. Wiggers' Goodtime Radiation". Guaranteed to light you up inside and out. I am a true believer cuz I will be visiting the good doc on Monday.

A great place to be fatigued

I am currently in the mountains taking advantage of my two weeks off from any kind of treatment. The weather is great. Clear skies and temps between 60 & 70 degrees day and night. I have a few days of taking care of myself as Cat is hanging in Atlanta thru the weekend. Her art has experienced increased popularity lately so she is "in studio" catching up to commitments. Also, her niece has a baby shower this weekend. I will see her on Monday. If I am forced to be alone I cannot think of a better place. I can see just a hint of the beginnings of fall in the trees. There is a feel of fall crispness in the morning air and we have had enough rain lately that creek has a good flow to it. With the windows open I hear the wind and the water all day and night. This is the beginning of my favorite time of year. I even like the word Autumn better than it's three companions. I hope we have an extended fall this year.

It's amazing to me that I am still feeling the effects of chemo after close to two weeks with no treatment. I look forward to a time when fatigue is not my most frequented feeling. What does feel good is a temporary escape from regular reminders of "what condition my condition is in". Speaking of reminders, I want to thank many of you for your help and participation in the PanCan Cancer Walk on November 15. Our team (The P Train) now has 10 members and we have raised a little over $1400. If anyone else would like to participant in this cause here is the link to the site, http://www.pancan.org/purplestrideatlanta/ . We have walkers of all ages. It should be fun. Obviously the donations are the main attraction for continued research. Any size helps so try not to be bashful.

I have made a "to do" list for my couple of weeks in the mountains. Posting and writing is on the top and loading our pictures and videos (from our Flip) onto the computer and subsequently into documents is next. I need to keep up with Cat. She is definitely ahead of me with the digital picture stuff. I am off to a self teaching lesson. Accomplishment or Frustration? Probably both.

Good but busy

This has been a good but busy and doctor filled week. I was scanned on Tuesday, met with the surgeon on Wednesday (he gave me the good news), met with the oncologist on Thursday, and met with the radiation oncologist today. I have follow ups on Monday and get my teeth cleaned on Tuesday. The radiation oncology visit today was interesting. I now look somewhat like a treasure map. I have big X's on my body made by the radiation oncology folks and the x definitely marks the spot. They will eventually exchange the sharpie X's with actual tiny tatoos (permanent) that show them where to point the radiation. I start radiation on Sept 29th and it continues everyday Monday thru Friday for at least 5 and probably 6 weeks. It will take about 10-15 minutes each day. When the radiation starts I will also have a small pump issued to me that will strap to my body somehow and have a line into my port. Also for the next 5 - 6 weeks I will be dripped on thru the pump with another chemical (5 FU). Guess what one of the side effects of each treatment is. You got it ....Fatigue!

I am really looking forward to the next 2 1/2 weeks of no chemo no nothing. It will be nice to have a break. Hopefully we will get to the mountains for most of the time. Look forward to celebrating Cat's big Birthday.

Back from the wizard

We just got back from seeing the wizard and he said........ I have a heart, I have a brain, I have courage and I HAVE A CLEAN SCAN. I now can look forward to the joy of being radiated in a few weeks. Dr. Daneker was great as usual. He said my scan looks good as does all the healing from the whipple. I asked what to expect next and he said I should talk to Dr. Dubovsky, the oncologist, but to expect the radiation/chemo next and then scans every 3-6 months. The next big juncture is 12-18 months out to see if there will be any metastatic recurrence (didn't know I could use them big words). That would come from any microscopic cells that were too small for the scan to pick up. But in the words of Roger Daltrey from the rock opera "Tommy">>>>> "I'm Free, yea I'm Free and freedom tastes of reality".

Thanks again for all the well wishes and warm thoughts and positive energy flows. It all worked. Next stop is Cat's big 50 on Monday the 15th.

Off to see the Wizard

I am off to see the wizard shortly to get my test results. I have been very tired and distant lately which I am sure is my way of handling anxiety. Despite the feelings I am pretty positive about what I believe to be the results. I am beginning to think that really whatever the results I am pretty positive. I was just told by my daughter to get in touch with the life force within me. I think it was a good piece of advice. I think that I am surrounded by good life force both within and all around me. Today I prefer to be clean so that tomorrow I may radiate my life force.

Think CLEAN!

As you might notice it is early in the morning. Cannot figure out why I am having trouble sleeping. Anyway, thank you, thank you, thank you for the calls and emails of support for my upcoming photography session. I think today is a Grateful Dead skeleton and roses T Shirt day. I am also taking my blue evil eye that just came to me from Turkey, my rub stone from New Zealand, and my lucky Cat. In my heart I am carrying all of the many warm wishes for good news. I will drink a barium cocktail today in honor of all my friends and family. Think CLEAN!

Team P Train

Just got back from getting a neupogen shot at St Josephs and I thought I would let you know more about the November Pancreatic Cancer walk. I have registered a team for the 5k walk and it is appropriately call The P Train. We already have 5 people committed to participating. If you would like to join us on the walk or just make a much needed sponsoring donation go to the website http://www.pancan.org/purplestrideatlanta/ . Choose registration to join the team or make a donation to a participant. Then enter my name or search for The P Train team. Also if anyone has a silent auction item they would like to make available for the October 5th GIST silent auction just email or call me and I will help you make the connection.

I am very anxious about the Tuesday scan but am really looking forward to the short vacation from chemo. I think I will get about three weeks off but will know for sure on Thursday. Then it will be back to the trenches.

More often, huh

Before I forget, cuz I have been doing alot of that lately. Tomorrow nite (Friday 9/5) at 8 PM on ABC, NBC & CBS please try and watch the show Stand up 2 Cancer. It is a collaborative effort to both raise money, awareness and educate about the advances and lack of them in the major areas of cancer research and treatment. It has been touted as a very good show. If nothing else you will see a lot of Lalaland stars. Info can be found at standup2cancer.com .

Well as you can see I am posting more often. It has only been two weeks instead of three. Today was my last chemo for a few weeks. My counts were down but not enuf to cancel the treatment. I will have to take my shots over the weekend to build up my whites. I was very happy to not have today cancelled as I do not want to wait another week to have my scan. I will have it on Tuesday and hopefully get the results on Wednesday. To say I am a little anxious is a big understatement. Once I get the news that it has not spread, I will meet with the radiation oncologist to schedule a radiation/chemo regimen. I really am not sure how many treatments or how it works yet. I decided to wait for the scan results before I investigate. I know that they will wait about three weeks before beginning to give the old body a chance to purge those toxic chemical cowboys from my system.

A couple of other notes of "cancer interest". Friends of ours are sponsoring a benefit for GIST cancer. This a unique gatrointestinal stromal tumor. Our friend Lenny had gist tumors in his liver and they were able to effectively kill them and then remove them surgically along with 1/3 of his liver. But his liver is growing back. We have only three organs that are capable of regeneration, do you know what they are? There are only about 5,000 new cases of gist in the world each year and less than 5% have the succesful results that he has had. Anyway the benefit is in early October and there will be a silent auction for goods and services. If anyone has something they would like to donate for the auction feel free to let me know. And as long as I am in the "hitting up mood" Cathy and I will be participating in a fundraiser for the Pancreatic Cancer Network on Nov 5. We will be doing a 5 K walk (not run) and anyone who would like to either participate with us or sponsor us are welcomed. Info on this can be found at http://www.pancan.org/purplestrideatlanta/. Okay no more bully pulpit hocking.

I have discovered over the last month that when I am talking "cancer talk" with other people who either own or are working towards taking control of their particular cancer the conversations are really captivating. We can get lost in the details without feeling like we are boring anyone. But I noticed there is another communication going on through the eyes. I see a warmth that is pushing through and making a connection. I have to admit what I see and feel is good. I believe that the reason for the connection is the unspoken common bond that exists. Not just the cancer but that sometime in this other person's past they received information in one moment that changed their life forever and not all for the good. Life speeds up. Decisions need to come quickly as does the need to receive information in order to better help yourself. So many things are happening so fast. I think this is the impetus for the connection. I particularly enjoy what I see in someone elses eyes. I am not sure why I bring this up except that we all have common threads that run through us with other people who are in our lives. Acceptance and connections are bonds that we all look for with others. They are ways that we feel a part of a more intimate bond. We seem to love when it happens spontaneously and then for some reason work very hard to suppress the desire to revisit over and over again. Just another observation.

I look forward to a great scan result and having a few weeks away from this toxicity. Come be clean with me. By the way, the liver, skin and brain are the only ones capable of regeneration. There is question about whether the brain actually regenerates or just internally can create new capabilities. Yes the skin is considered an organ.

Can't wait to wear that one!

This time it has only been 3 weeks since my last post. I have much better excuses this time. It has been a combination of having Ashley and Ryan in town coupled with the chemo really knocking me on my ass. I play and sleep then play some more and sleep some more. It was great having the kids in town. I had not seen them since the surgery. They be looking good and making me feel good. Both are now back on the southern and northern west coastlines.

I could not get my chemo this week which was a real disappointment. Both my white and red blood cell counts were decimated by chemicals. They were too low for a go on chemo. The real bummer is that it delayed my cat scan by another week. So I still have two chemos left before I scan on Sept 9. I took blood cell count booster shots instead to get my bone marrow more actively producing. Cat and I are going up to the mtns for 4 days and I will take one of the shots up there on Saturday. Friends Phil and Elizabeth are joining us for the weekend. Looking forward to it.

I hope you like the new look for the blog. Ash helped me with it. Now there is an actual train that you can board along with me and Cat. The comment process may have an extra step but it will keep the spammers off.

Chemical Thursday has been interesting the last few weeks because we have met a number of new people and have been sharing names and life stories. Most everyone is eager to share something about themselves and just as eager to hear about us. That makes for very warm experiences. I have gotten in the habit of wearing special shirts for the day. I now have an Incredible Hulk shirt, a Skeletoned Greatful Dead Shirt, A Spamalot shirt that says "I'm not Dead, yet", and the newest one that says F*@K Cancer! Can't wait to wear that one. I think I really am going to make a concerted effort to post more often. Maybe it will help me remove myself from this fog that seems to surround my brain. I find myself staring mindlessly a little more frequently these days. The doc promised that the chemo does not attack cells in either of my heads but it certainly seems to have an impact on the larger one. Well you should know my response by now. F*@K Cancer!