Ex nihilo

As Cathy might put it we are now part of those in the know from the St. Joes social network. That is mainly because we have spent the better part of this weekend at the St. Joseph's Emergency Room Social Networking Party. It is a very exclusive group that only those with special invites are able to attend. I grew my invite on Friday and used it on Saturday, high fever. We were there until about 11:00Pm on saturday nite until my fever invite got to low to allow me to stay. I still had my low white blood count and and a reentry pass for a neupogen shot for the next day. So I left full of ER fluids and a bag of antibiotics and a verified higher but not high enough white blood count. Upon return this morning, I got my shot and another CBC (Complete Blood Count) and was disappointed to find that the previous evening's party had broken up. The good news was we got to leave quickly and go home with an even higher white count. So as long as the remaining pacman cowboys in me don't chew up too many of the new guys we will be back on schedule for this Thursday. Speaking of another day, someone ask me to name three consecutive days in a row without naming the days of the week. Think hard.

I wanted to send out a hug and support of well wishes to Kathy Davenport. A friend who has been valiantly and with great faith battling the evils of breast cancer. She travels from Destin, I think as we speak, to Birmingham for testing. Send some good thoughts for some good test results.

As I mentioned before, the neupogen shot allows me to be very aware of my bones cuz the marrow is producing the white cells at an accelerated rate which can cause some bone aching. This reminded of a beach creature I made on a Washington state beach park. Cathy, myself, Thomas and Ashely were exploring. I stopped and started collecting drift wood when I found the right place. Bone ache made me think about the resulting beach creature. I called him ex nihilo. Latin for "out of nothing". That's him at the beginning of this post. By the way if I was European the answer to the three day question could be Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day. For us 'Mericans its yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Sheeeeeeeeeeiiiiiittttt !

It was bound to happen eventually. I had my first chemo disappointment today. Went to my appointment and ended up disappointed. A bunch of those quick draw chemical cowboys have been shooting and pac manning a little too much on my poor white blood cells. They have destroyed a few too many so the doc decided it was not a good idea to feed me any chemo today. So like the wind I came and went from the doctors office. I am officially neutropenic and am suffering from neutropenia. Now I know it sounds like some kind of nuclear sexual disease but it just means I cannot fight bacterial infection too well at the moment. I have to have a shot of neupogen every day for the next four days which should chemically blackmail my bone marrow to make white cells at an accelerated pace. Isn't it strange that I am upset cuz I can't have chemo. The worst part is that our plan was to head for the hills on Saturday and now we cannot. If any of you think you see me in public the next week or so, I will be the one wearing the mask. Here are a list of my can'ts: No public appearances in crowds, no raw fruit or vegetables, stay away from young children, stay away from plants and flowers, no playing in the dirt and wash my hands regularly. What a frigging drag. Sorry for the poor attitude but I get one every once in a while.

Zen Weeding

Cathy and I were out doing "Zen" weeding yesterday after that great thunderstorm we had at 4 AM earlier in the night. I was told by my daughter that everything spiritual does not have to be a "Buddha on the mountain" type experience. So we now Zen weed our beds. Unlike most Zen weeders, Cat and I talk during parts of the adventure. Lately, she has been letting me ramble on about the various sensations that occur inside my body. I told her recently that I am now so incredibly aware of all of the aches, creaks, rumbles, movements etc that go own in me. It actually can get a little overwhelming at times but often I see it as my own private entertainment center. The "Stomach Rumble Waltz in B Flat" is always a good one. My sense is that food arrives in my stomach much quicker than before because there is less distance to travel. Once there the rumbles begin and spread across my abdomen. The low deep groans on one side are answered by high pitched trickles on the other. This can continue for as much as five minutes reaching a crescendo that is often followed by a trip to the depository room. It is truly amazing to learn that one's body can create so many varied sounds when doing the stomach rumble waltz. One more and then I will stop. This one I call "The Histamine Dance". Apparently due to one of the chemicals I intake my histamines get tricked and think parts of my body are being attacked and they rush to the location. Finding nothing wrong they do what they do best and start itching. As soon as I start scratching these little bastards think it is now a game and move on to another location. It is not long before I find myself looking like I am playing twister. Even my feet get into the scratching action sometimes. Over time I have developed the skill of stop, flop and ignore. It took a while but it is very useful now. When I catch myself itching I stop scratching, flop my arms by my side and focus on ignoring the invaders. I can actually feel them getting bored and start heading home. I have tried to follow them but they must have gone to spy school cuz I lose them everytime. I don't always win the battle but it is very satisfying when I do. When I think I am losing the dance I will treat them with a move I call the "Benadryl Pop". Takes about 30 minutes to complete but then it takes them right out. Usually followed by a short nap on my part.
And that is how I use my meditative Zen weeding time.

Storytime

It's time for a very short little story. I recently began an interesting set of short stories and this is the even shorter cliff notes of the third story in the anthology. A middle aged husband and wife were sailing out in the ocean when they were besieged by a near disastrous storm. Their boat was shipwrecked but fortunately very close to a small uninhabited island. They were without communication and very alone and afraid. As a few weeks passed they began adapting to the island as it was somewhat rich with food (fruits and some wildlife) and were able to take advantage of the salvaged material and food items from their boat. They were anxiety ridden with fear of how long they could last but their wits and skills kept these fears at bay. After a month they were salvaging through old boat parts and found their binoculars and proceeded to explore the island's far sides. As they walked they eventually came upon what appeared to be a stone path leading into the water. They discovered, using the binoculars, the path led to another island which was inhabited with another family and saw that it to had a path to yet another island. And on this went. Most of the other patches were inhabited but not all. They began to visit and found each island's family had set themselves up quite well and ingeniously to make the best of their predicaments. All were glad to see each other and visited regularly but always happily went back to their own habitats. When they did visit they shared stories, lives and visions of what the future might hold for them. They relished their visits and cherished their shared times together and looked forward to going back to their new homes, partly because they could look forward with anticipation to their next visits and partly because they all needed to continue to improve their new lives and homes. This continued with great wonderment for all, but interestingly enough from time to time they would awaken and on occasion one family had found a way to depart and shortly afterwards another would arrive. ( I know I promised this would be the cliff notes.) Everyone had difficulty with their initial arrival but all adapted and began to view their new homes and new environment as sacred, healing spaces.

I tell you this because the story teller upon waking up from this dream found himself in an infusion room for chemotherapy. This was what my day was like and I feel blessed and needed to find a different way to share it.

Verbal Purging

It's not really Sunday. I just opened this on Sunday and wrote happy father's day and left until today. A belated Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there. I hope you and your children had a good Sunday. I always thought the holiday was created just for marketing groups to sell more product. I have to admit I think about it very differently now. I wonder why mother's and father's day is only once a year. I find myself wishing I could relate this feeling to my parents. Somehow, I believe, the process of wishing is one of the ways that they actually do get the message. As an aside, with marketing being such a driving economic force I am really surprised that no one has tried to create at least one designated national children's day. I think I would be all for it as I would a national family day.

I have been absent from my blog for a few days because we are up in the mtns and Cat has been working her gluts off gardening and I have been trying to help and then following her around until I get worn out. Lately (last few days) the worn out part has been coming pretty quickly. As a result, I have been reading more and then lying down staring outside or at the ceiling. For those of you that find yourself in a position to choose between staring outside or at the ceiling I highly recommend outside. I chose the ceiling a little too much this week and got caught up on focusing too much on what is physically going on inside of me since the surgery and the beginning of chemo. It is somewhat of a laundry list and at first it is like an intellectual exercise but after a while it becomes way too real, tiring and depressing. I found myself sleeping a lot and then waking up locked into the ceiling again. I guess that is why some cycles are called vicious. I was finally able to kick the pattern last night with some conversational assistance from my partner.
Woke up this morning feeling much better. I not sure why I avoid it so much but verbal purging is a really good thing. Now keep in mind I called it something more manly than "talking about my feelings". VERBAL PURGING. No one is going to call that "girly man". Anyway, it helped a lot.

Today is Tuesday and we are headed back to Atl this afternoon. Thursday is Chemtox #3. Almost like Love Potion #9. If any of you are ever in the Northside Hospital area on a Thursday and want to poke your head in for 1/2 hour or so and greet the chemically infused please feel free to call. They sell great T-Shirts in the infusion room. Our favorite so far is F***ck Cancer! I like this message because to me it is two fold. The obvious being the anger towards the condition and a way of developing control by the expression of anger. The second is an encouragement to sleep with the enemy as a way of overcoming the fear and gaining control. Getting close to what you fear seems to be a healthy way to overcome big obstacles. Healthy but very hard to do. Which leaves me leaving you a parting word for the day. 'Mindfulness'

On the road again

Woke up feeling somewhat nauseated this morning so we made the only logical decision that we could. It is better to be ill in the mountains than in the city. We are getting ready to head up to NC until Tuesday. That is where you will find us if we are needed.

New Happenings

Whew, made it through another chemical body invasion. Like last time it was long but not too terribly bad. Lots of smiling faces and a few that I remembered from last week. It is very touching to see how people have there small pow wows of family and friends and I am betting for many it will vary from week to week. I enjoy watching (I am a watcher by nature) how all the care giving mix of people are so attentive to the infused ones (have not found a good word yet). Cancer, like many critical situations, sure can bring the good out in us. Cancer ......... can serve..... can survive ....
I did get a piece of warning from the med staff. Chemo drops your white blood count pretty quickly making one more susceptible to infection. It doesn't mean I should not be around people it just means that I have to watch my level of physical contact. Most people do not like to have their space invaded anyway and I, on the other hand, am a space invading pig. I will miss the hugs and kisses but should avoid them for a while. It also means things like indoor concerts are a probably should not kind of thing. Outdoor events should be fine. Cat is off to the symphony with a friend while I sit at home and watch the stinking Braves lose again. I was told that I could go but should wear a mask and I am way to vain for that. If any of you have had chemo please relay your thoughts on that. Wow, if any one reading has had chemo in the past or is living with cancer please call me. I would love to talk. I am initially shy but get over it quickly.

I do have an announcement. At 58, I now have a facebook account. I do not know how to use it yet but Ryan set it up for me today. I don't even know how to tell you out there who have accounts how to get to mine. Maybe by inviting me to be a friend at my email address rpc.coop@gmail.com. Anyway, I am officially a part of Gen-W. That's "Generation Whatever" for those of you who have not read Boomsday by the author of Thank You for Smoking, Christopher Buckley. I am beginning to really overcome my fear of cancer now that I am a member of Facebook. I am starting to feel the anxiety of getting stalked by a pedophile but I promise I will be careful. It was nice cuz Ryan set up my profile and he has me two years younger than I really am. I think I will wait to change that.

I am gonna have to go because being chemoed and Facebooked in the same day has really taken a lot of the stuffing out of me. While Cat is being edified I am going to go and get cultured by watching a good action film on Pay per view.

Off to see the Wizard

Going to see the wizard of Tox this morning. Six hours of being liquified. Can't wait to ask today what one whole session actually costs! Expecting a shocking answer. Bringing with me the Peter Gabriel "Secret World" concert cd, Amadeus, and one other I cannot remember. Packing our turkey sammiches, yogurt, puddin and drinks today like the pros. My oncologist, Dr. Dubovsky, alias Dr. D, was out of town last week so we have our first 'during treatment' meeting this morning. I hope he does not come in wearing a hazmat suit. That could be a little disconcerting. We did have a laugh last nite at dinner with some friends (one who is a nurse) that one of the first questions he will likely ask (just like the surgeon, the oncology nurse and my regular doctor) is how are my bowels doing. I have become very adept at describing the answer. My DBV (descriptive bowel vocabulary) has actually increased to a possibility of about 40 words representing 10-12 possible phrases. I understand that is pretty good at this point. I also am going to find out the needle size that will be docking at my Port O'Catheter today. It is slightly larger than one used in an arm vein and I just need to know (a man thing). The more difficult job today is Cat's. She sits, knits, sits, chats to me, sits, chats to neighbors ,sits, chats to nurses.sits reads,sits, go gets bland coffee, sits, watches CD, sits, reads the paper and sits. I am sure she would not mind an occasional call. If all goes well I will join her tonite for one of the last nites of the Atlanta Symphony season. I believe it is a unique mix of classical klezmer and Stravinsky's "Firebird". Well, its onward to "The Toxification of Paul" Part II. Almost sounds like a religious experience or a Wes Craven movie.
P.S. I mean Mr. Spock, thx Lizzie.

All we need is more VMC

I am doing alot of itching today so I decided that maybe it would be good to get involved in more activity and try not to focus as much on my body. Poor thing it has been cut, sutured, stapled, diminished by thirty pounds, chemified, scratched, poked by all sizes of little needles and cursed over and over by me in the wee hours of many o' morn. So to my over worked body I am making a pledge. I will not forget you or ignore you because you have become very precious to me and I need you in order to continue to enjoy what has already been a great life. I do promise, though, that I will give you a "focus break" where I will not pay quite as much attention to the things you do in response to our mutual situation. It is time for me use some of that training that all of us have been exposed to for years. I am committing to utilizing the many seasons of exposure that I have had to Vulcan mind control. I feel so small realizing that Mr. Roddenberry, Dr. Spock, Captain Kirk, the crew and every consumer product of that era spent years directing us to the way and we just ignore it.
In addition to the practice of VMC, I also am going to do a few other things. Write more, spend more active time with Cat and with myself, share myself more with my community, and encourage my friends and family to engage me more. Just know there will be times when my engage button is depleted and in need of recharging. I say this because for one thing I have spent time today reading about many others who have had their lives altered by serious medical issues and were faced with choices. Angry people became more angry. Giving people gave more of themselves. Positive people stayed positive. Guess who was happier and lived longer.
So Doctor Spock I welcome you into my life. We all need to live long and prosper.

It has been a very busy and enjoyable day today. Even though it is miserably hot outside I cut the grass this morning in the early heat. The sweat felt good and I like actually like accomplishing something physical. We then went to a wedding in Duluth that brought together a lot of people that have not seen each other in a while from all over the world. It was very fun and felt like a good place to be. The groom was from England and the bride from Atlanta and the attendees were from all over. I discovered that when I felt myself getting tired I would go and sit for a while. That really never seemed to help it just allowed me to catch my breath. The tiredness would go away when I got back up and started talking to people again. I must admit I am truly a people junkie. It is an addiction that I glady surrender myself to. Wouldn't you like to be a people junkie too. Sorry, couldn't resist.
I am entering into the last half of my first week of toxification. A friend just emailed me to point out that I am getting toxified in Atlanta and "intoxified with the mountains in Lake Toxaway". The only real effects so far have been getting tired easily and when I sweat these chemicals out they make me itch. I hope that is the worst of it.
One of our friends at the wedding today commented on how my stomach, with all of it's holes and scars, is beginning to look like grafitti or a very bad roadmap. I may sign up for a kid's camp and be the board they play "connect the dots" on.
Andi and Des were the ones that got married today and I want to thank them for bringing all of those good people together. And to all you good people at the wedding, I loved seeing you and thank you for all your kind words. Travel safe.

From across the River

Well, it is official. I am in treatment for cancer. I still looked at the surgery as the process of removing something that was inside of me. People with cancer are the ones that have the chemical and radiation treatment. I now have posse's of chemical cowboys riding through my body trying to find the bad guys and shoot'em dead. All of these cowboys are very vigilant. Some, though, are mean guys but can't see very well. Because of that they just go after anything that is young and fast regardless of whether they are good or bad. It apparently is the vetting out of the good guys that often causes much of the side effects. As the cancer vessel I just get to sit back, drink lots of fluids, think lots of positive thoughts and wait. But I do have to admit to myself that I have cancer. We were in a room full of cancer vessels today and suprisingly we come in all shapes and sizes. Some of us are quiet, some are very chatty. Most were more prepared for the long day than we were, but not to worry next Thursday we will already be veterans at this. On first observation we cancer folks seemed just like other folks. Now I realize I was a first timer to the chemo game but I think I did notice a very small nuance of difference. Every single time someone walked by us be it one of my kind(I hate the words patient or victim so I am still searching), caregiver or support staff they ALWAYS smiled. It could be just me but I am betting this trend will not stop in this group. I will keep you posted. Speculation may cause one to think that an abrupt change in someone's view of their remaining time continuum could possibly create a desire to smile more often. I am definitely going to research this more.
I now have a scheduled block of 5-6 hours every Thursday for the next eight weeks to conduct my studies. There is a tiny little spot in me that is kinda looking forward to the next encounter. Anyway, as Cat so accurately put it in her words, from across the river I bid you adieu.

Port O'Catheter

Yes that is the christened name of my new port of call. It was so designated on the medical report yesterday. I was also wrong about what I thought it would be like. I expected a hole in my skin with a cap to open and close on the end. It actually is a bump under my skin with no exsposure. The bump is like the top of a medicine bottle that a dr. would stick a syringe into. So I still get a needle into a little bit of skin into my bottle top port. How fascinating modern medicine is. Between stitches, tubes, scalpels and staples I now can count around 65 differents holes that have been made in my belly, arms and chest. That is probably enough to make even the Pope jealous. Tomorrow is the day before chemo day but more importantly it is one of such great significance to me and I almost let my trials and tribulations get in the way. Tomorrow is our third anniversary. Three years ago tomorrow was one of the happiest days of my life. It certainly was one of, if not the, luckiest day. I have been privileged to live with, sleep with, love with and just be with someone who is deeply imbedded into my heart. I cannot imagine life before or after my cancer without Cat. So publicly, my dear, I declare that I LOVE YOU and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!