Memorial

Before I say anything about me I would like to honor a life. Randy Pausch, age 47, passed away today from his bout with pancreatic cancer. For those of you that do not know about him, Randy was a Professor at Carnegie-Mellon. Every year a professor is chosen to deliver what is known as The Last Lecture. The chosen teacher is to give a lecture as if it is his last before he dies. In Randy's case he was asked, unknowingly by the college, right after he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The lecture was taped and can be seen on You-tube and also became a best selling book entitled "The Last Lecture". I encourage everyone to view the video and read the book. He continued to battle his illness and live his life fully which included testifying before a congressional committee for additional research funding plus many other meaningful contributions. His testimony is also available on You-Tube. His life is an inspiration to me and his passing leaves a hole in the world that will take quite sometime to fill. Please send his family a warm thought in some moment of mindfulness.

I had my chemo yesterday and all went well because I am posting from my computer in the mountains. This is the week my white count will start to fall so I will start my neupogen shots next week. After 5 more weeks of chemo I will get a high resolution cat scan that will either direct me to radiation/chemo treatments or to just more chemo. The radiation alternative is the one I am hoping for as it means there has been no spread of the cancer outside of my original surgical sight. It is interesting how all that goes on with medical treatment during an illness crescendos to a singular test the result of which is life directing and altering. Then the process starts all over again. For some this happens many, many times during their healing process. I have about three weeks before I will hit a Mel Brooks "High Anxiety" frame of mind waiting for the test results. During that time I have been advised by those close to me to research for information about each alternative, seek support from those in a similar situation and I have added to breathe and enjoy. I love those who are close to me and I even think pretty highly of myself these days.

Cat and I listened to a CD of various speeches from cancer survivors and this particular one was from a woman who expressed her wisdom regarding the difference between treatment and healing. Treatment is what the medical community provides us when we are ill. It is logical (at least in attempt) and "fix-it" oriented. It usually will involve pills, maybe surgery (or multiple surgeries), multiple office visits and treatment to cure or improve what ails us. Healing is the moral obligation we have to research, discover and implement those practices that dramatically supplement the medical treatment in positive ways. It involves attitudes, alternative and/or holistic paths, involvement with other members of our community, discovering what is new on the horizons for one's particular illness and the list can go on and on. It is an obligation we have unless one prefers to give in to the affliction. I am sorry that the importance of the healing process has become so prominent to me as a result of my diagnosis. I say this because there is nothing that I am doing now that I should not have started doing a long time ago other than the specifics regarding my cancer. Healing should be an ongoing instinctive process that is encouraged in us all at a very early age. It would not turn us all into "buddhas on the mountain". It would just make us healthier and happier people on the planet. To me healing can be defined as anything that will add positve meaning and greater health to your life. Happy healing to all of you.

OK, time for a short short story. There once was a little girl who went to a carnival with her father. They were both very excited about their special day out. Upon arrival they both were awed by the rides, the games, the vendors, the food and trying to figure out what to do first. The little girl asked her father if they could start with the rides and he agreed. He at the time was very enamored with watching all of the various types of people wandering around. Realizing that he had been walking, staring and day dreaming he reached to grab his daughter's hand only to find it not there. One can only imagine the panic that welled inside of him. His daughter, on her path, had reached the first ride and looked up to find her father was not with her. She also began to feel that empty sense of panic. She then remembered her father's advice should she ever become lost. Look for someone wearing a uniform (preferably a policeman or fireman) and ask for help but do not wander any further until you do find someone who will help. So she stopped and began to search with her eyes for help or her father. Following the advice she had been taught calmed her inside. Eventually she saw a man in a military uniform and managed to get his attention. Upon telling him her situation he suggested she tell one of the operators of the rides her problem and he moved on. She decided to stay put and continue looking. She then saw a woman in a nurses uniform and caught her eye and explained her problem. The nurse said the little girl must go to the main carnival office and tell them her situation. She offered to take the girl there but the little girl told the nurse her father's advice and said thank you but I will stay here. The nurse moved on. She eventually saw a policeman and got his attention. She told him her plight and her father's advice. The officer said that sounds like good advice and I am sure your father is headed this way and looking for you. He then suggested that she get on his shoulders so she could have a better view. About 15 minutes later she saw her father headed her way and called out to him. When he saw her he came running over to her. Breathing a large sigh of relief he gave her a huge hug and thanked the officer profusely. The officer smiled and the little girl looked up at her father and thanked him for teaching her how to take care of herself when she became lost. She told him he gives good advice. The father welled with pride and relief. He felt guilty for initially losing his daughter but quickly thanked himself for teaching her a wise lesson and felt greatful that she took it in and remembered it. Simply another life healed.

Randy, I wish you a peaceful and joyous voyage.

Just an update

We just got back from five days in the mountains and although it was hot, rainy and I had some trouble sleeping it was still in the mountains. We had dinner with some of our neighbors the other night and lost power from a storm and ate in candlelight. It was great. If my blood work is not unusual tomorrow we will probably go back up on Friday. Ashley and Ryan come in town the following week so all in all life is good. Running low on fuel at the moment so I am planning a more informative post after tomorrow.

Goodnight Mrs. Calabash

Just got back from another immutably, insidious, infusion with lots of things to talk about. I am so greatful to Doc Neupogen and his band of newly formed white cells. They valiantly battled against and sacrificed themselves to the evil Mr. Cisplatin and Mrs. Gemzar and managed to maintain a strong enough of a rag tag force to carry on through next week. As a result, my next post will be coming from the hills of North Carolina. To say I am excited is truly an understatement. I will bet you that the mountain air will raise all of my levels in a positive fashion. I say this because even though my white count is up the chemicals have finally started depleting the red ones. I am officially anemic. My platelets are also way down so they told me not to cut myself until the count goes up. For those of you confused ones, the platelets are what cause your blood to clot. I am sure some of you never expected to become so medically edumacated. I was able to skip the gemzar this week which means the red count will be able to build back up as will the platelets on their own and quickly without interference.

I want you to know how incredibly appreciative I am of the continued cards, letters, emails, comments and visits we receive from everyone. That probably keeps my levels up more than anything and I am eternally grateful. Since I am working off some increased endorphin production I thought I would make a few specific comments. All of you will not relate to all, but some of you will know some of them. It is kinda like "fooling some of the people some of the time...". These last two paragraphs should include just about everyone in my life.

All of Lenny's scans were clean, yea, Stephen and Stephanie are pregnant, Tim has a new job and seems to like it, Kathy D.'s biopsy report was good, My Cat is producing a lot of art, Melissa moved to New York to attend the Pratt Institute, Becky W. has a great new job, Hello and thanks to Tracy and Taylor, Happy Birthday to Sid the Squid and Mike the Mick, Congrats to Charmian and Charmian cuz I think Ken enjoys his new job, thanks Mel for being a good sister, Will is definitely improving from his surgery, thank you Lyn for the goodies, Larry quit trying to eliminate body parts, thank you rabbi greene and rabbi micah and cantor kassel for your kindness and presence, thanks for PCD Wednesday nites, thank you to those that let me show you my shark bite, Pam and Yankel I hope we get to see you sometime next year, Shirley is well and speaking to me, congrats Brian on graduation, thanks Alyse for being the mother of our incredible children, Jimmy you will never know how helpful you were 31/2 months ago, mark and mel I know you will figure the location thing out, Aloha to Lahaina, the Ostrows rule, never fear BJ one day I will call, thanks for stopping by Mike, thanks Van, my family is incredible, so are my friends and most of all so is my wife, and Goodnight Mrs. Calabash Wherever You Are!

Little Big Horn

Hello. I took a break last week. Got a little worn out from all the Fourth of July activity and needed to rejuvenate some. Chemical Thursday went well except the chemo is back after my white blood cells again. Dr. D moved up my scheduled neupogen shots so I have taken them for the last three days. I feel bad because the shots successfully encourage my bone marrow to produce thousands upon thousands of new white cells. They are then unknowingly sent off to be massacred by the next thursday's chemo. I have my own Battle of Little Big Horn going on inside of me. We are hoping that this week's shots produced enough white cells to possibly make a two week stand. If so, I will not have to get more shots and Cat and I can scoot off to the mountains for some much needed fresh air and escape from some of the chains of treatment.

Inclusion, acceptance & compassion

The "achy bone shots" did their job. My white count is up and the good guys are back in the saddle. I even have extras built up for the next few weeks of cowboy combat. I learned today that since my chemo comes in three week cycles that the blood count is a three week trend. So the wise good doctor has suggested I take the shots before the third week to prevent the dreaded infectious period. Let me give you a little sense of what last week was like. The instructions were stay away from crowds, kids, flowers, plants, gardening and be conscious of exposure to bacteria and wash my hands frequently. I got paranoid. Wherever you are close your eyes and before you open focus on looking around and finding places that accumulate germs that you should not touch. Then go from room to room and walk outside and do the same thing. Between Cat and I, we were the King and Queen of "UN-uh" don't touch. Or "did you wash your hands?". Don't you dare put your fingers near your mouth?" "Is that your hand touching the bottom of your shoe?" Come to think of it, that was all Cat doing the asking. A very boring way to spend a week and a stupid, unhealthy thing to do to you mind. BUT, one good day quickly wipes out the bad memories and the last two have felt good. Because of my weight loss I can stop taking my blood pressure med and I did that a few days ago. During this weaning process I get these light adrenalin rushes. Yesterday was like being on an extra low dose of a diet pill. I talked all day. I think Cat was telling people it was good to see my energy level up and then would put on her ear plugs to be with me. It was really kinda fun but that feeling was probably some sort of subconscious flashback memory revisitation. (Obviously the adrenalin still has some lingering effects).
Melanie, Cat and I went to chemo today. For me it was comforting going back to a place of familiarity with a group of people that I could publicly, privately and silently relate to. It is probably similar to people who like to drink and go to bars. The bar is a place you can go for many reasons. One is it is somewhere you can be alone with a lot of people and choose how you will or will not interact. Chemical Thursdays are like that for me in a comforting way. Everyone has a root history in common. We are all attached to a Pole that has a bunch of clear bags hanging off of it with tubes attached leading to the inner sanctums of our bodies for distribution. It breaks barriers quickly. Our common theme and the safety of numbers seems to allow every one to drop their guard varying degrees when they come in for infusion. I may be odd but it is not a bad place. In truth it is a healing space.
It is the Fourth. We are staying in Atlanta and spending part of it with both friends and family and I am sure I will have some alone time to get reacquainted with Mr. Cisplatin and Ms. Gemzar (my friendly chemo couple). I wish all of you to have a fun weekend. I watched a public televison show last night on the history of the statue of liberty. I realized I had never heard or read the entire dedication poem on the statue memorial. The one that says "give me your tired your poor... I encourage you to go read it. That poem and maybe the Declaration of Independence are grounding in nature. My soap box says the day is about remembering inclusion not intolerance, acceptance not aggression and compassion not coersion.

Most importantly it is all about Bar-B-Q. We must include, accept and have compassion for all. Even those misguided few who believe that Bar-B-Q has anything to do with beef.

Be well.