A restless night

Today is Chemical Thursday and it is before I get set to go. I did not sleep well last night and thought it was just because chemo day was coming again. At least I did for a short while. Ryan and Ashley have been in town all week and that has been great. I have really missed them and have been really excited to see them. Ry and I took off Tuesday for a couple of days in the mountains. It was a great time. He leaves on Friday and Ash is here for a couple of weeks more. They have also been very protective of me and more importantly have been paying much closer attention to what has been going into my body and how I have been physically caring for myself. I use the words "much closer" because they were paying more attention than I have been.
Both of them have been working on getting me motivated to make nutritional changes that I have openly said I wanted to make. I have been silently ignoring them and even, at times, arguing with them about my progress. I know the big reason for my restless night last night was trying to figure out why I have been ignoring many of my own commitments to myself. I feel fairly certain the reasoning is also why I have not posted in a couple of weeks. The time for much of my talk is over and I need to start doing a few things more proactively. I have cancer and that is bad. The fact that it has caused me to re-evaluate aspects of my life and make a mental commitment to some healing alterations is good. The reality that I am having difficulty implementing some of those changes is human. I get amazed how comfortable it is to intellectualize about changes and even reach a point where I begin to believe I am actually doing what I am thinking about without having taken the first step. It is certainly what I have been going through. Part of the hesitation to change is not wanting to admit that the agent for change has been a disease. The main part, though, is just the age old process of breaking a habit (or a series of them). We are such creatures of habit and it is truly amazing how difficult it is to changes our habits when we express the want to do so. I am getting ready to embark on a small habit changing journey but before I start "It's time for chemical thursday."